With all this talk about how us HSPs feel emotions so deeply, I’m reminded that not all these emotions are sanguine.
I had a run-in with anger the other day.
Sigh. I don’t want to admit what I’m about to admit, because, of course, in retrospect, it sounds so stupid and irrational.
Last week, I went to the dog beach with my dog and some old friends I haven’t seen in ages. We had a great time and my dog was awesome–she was so funny and everyone loved her as she ran around.
We got home and I bathed her. She behaved so well!
Then, after the bath, she was running around the living room, hopped up on the couch, and peed on the couch with me standing right there.
I was FURIOUS.
She is housetrained. There is no reason for her to pee inside the house, and especially not on the freaking couch. We have wood and tile floors everywhere, so the ONLY place she could f-up would be the couch. My nice couch.
To make things worse, two days earlier she threw up on the couch (after eating beverage coasters during the night!), and I had *just* finished scrubbing and cleaning the cushion thoroughly, only having put it back that day.
And we had had such a great day together!! She had a blast at the beach! I was feeling like a blissful dog owner and then she comes and pisses on the couch right in front of me.
All of these things together led to a red-hot, outrageous, unreasonable anger. I was so fucking furious.
And boy, did I yell at her. I didn’t hit her, but since I’m honest here, there was a part of me that wanted to smack her a little bit. I could feel it burning inside me–and I even recognized what was happening and that it was unreasonable–but I still felt it. I wanted her to know she did something wrong. How the hell could she do this? After we had such a great day? After I give her so much care and love? And after I had just cleaned the cushion? She had just peed outside a half hour ago! She knows better! Why, why, why???
I had to walk away. I told Jim I was so angry that I was almost shaking. I hated the way I felt, I knew it was unreasonable to feel that way, but of course I couldn’t stop it. I felt ashamed, too. How can this happen to me? I knew Jim would help me calm down.
To help me get over it, we left and got dinner outside the house, leaving the pup at home. I hardly said a word for a long time. Finally, the dark cloud started to fade. It was weird–I was worn out from those intense feelings. I was actually tired.
I want to mention that it is extremely rare for me to feel this angry. (btw–I don’t need to be chastised for feeling an urge to thwap my dog. I didn’t follow through with it, so I don’t need the shame. Save it. I already feel bad.)
I think the reason I was so over-the-top angry was because I felt a betrayal. I am very connected to her. We had such an intense day together, experiencing really high highs of fun and joy. Now obviously my dog was not set out to betray me. Of course I know that. But for some stupid reason, I couldn’t help but feel personally hurt when she pissed on the couch. I thought we had an understanding!
If the dog was human, this is what I would have said to her: “After all I do for you–everything–and after having an amazing day together, this is what you do?”
You might be thinking I’m crazy and assigning all sorts of human emotions to an animal. I fully realize this. I know it’s irrational. But my point is that anger isn’t rational. The feeling swept me up like a swelling wave.
A non-HSP probably would have taken the situation for what it was. The dog just had an accident on the couch. They might also be mad, but probably wouldn’t have felt the irrational betrayal and disappointment that I felt. Jim wasn’t angry at all, in fact.
Do you feel anger very intensely?
I take pride in how tolerant and patient I am normally. However, once in awhile, I experience intense anger that sometimes surprises me. Not violence, but vocal anger. Sometimes I get so mad that I tremble or cry.
I have always been this way and felt ashamed of not being able to express mild anger without crying or making too big of a deal. I think of it as not being able to regulate my reactions. Usually, I overlook or forgive situations that would make most non-HSPs angry. However, at times my tolerance reaches the limit and I lash out, usually at my husband or daughter. It rarely happens with strangers or friends.
Recently, I was driving home with my husband. I was driving, which is unusual. He usually does all the driving when we are together. My husband began to criticize my driving and I freaked out! I slammed on the brakes and almost ordered him out of the car. I was shaking I was so angry. He had recently backed into a parked car and I never said a word! How dare he criticize my driving!
I wish I had the ability to express anger smoothly instead of going from zero to 100 in a split second.
So to answer your question,Yes, I feel anger very intensely. Not often, but it’s usually over the top when it happens.
Hi Ann, thank you for sharing! I can totally empathize with your driving story. I could possibly see myself doing something like that, too. At least you recognize it, though….what happened after you stopped the car? Did you realize you were overly upset? Does he know that you sometimes get that way, too?
I do feel anger intensely particularly when I feel betrayed. Oddly enough it’s often at my dogs, especially during their adolescent years. They have always been a large part of my life. Of my heart and soul and I’ve experienced what you just wrote about. Followed by the drain afterwards. Thank you for sharing this. I don’t feel like such an odd duck now.
Thank *you* for also sharing and making me feel less crazy 🙂
anger? hmmmm thinking about that emotion…. well.. i cry. And usually i disconnect. Meaning… i go zip. No words no communication. If i do speak it will be 4 words.. if people demand an explanation.. i write. It leaves me exhausted. drained. I dont like it at all. Cause? many things can trigger it.. but i really can think of just one.. disrespect. Either for me or my feelings. Mostly if it comes from someone i care, because if not i dont dwell. Now the harder part comes when i am NOT the one mad.. but dealing WITH someone that is. Whether far or near.. and i feel it.. it drains me. Why? is one of the strongest feelings EVER. What i do? deal with it my way. Anger feeds.. from controversy.. either real or imaginany.. so a way to fight it back is to think about the solution not the problem. Why? because anything that you can think of related to the problem WILL make you MORE mad. Whereas if you think about a solution.. you are shifting your mindset to a goal.. a positive one. Unfortunately… the outcome of wrath is always destructive.. it impares the individual to find the joy needed to get over a situation… because it kind of blinds you.
Now let me tell you a story… i had a friend that had a little puppy… and they had really good time together… walking… hugging.. she had fun feeding it.. etc.. and ALWAYS when she got home the puppy runned around in circles.. and circles.. like chasing her tail.. until she peed. The reaction of the puppy out of JOY for seeing her was unfortunately peeing.
Another thing is also true.. the same sensation that one feels when one is inlove .. is the same a pet (dog) feels when it sees the master… meaning.. they express themselves different too!…. but mind you .. after a day of hard work and MY work getting ruined..i definetely feel you… but… could it be a possibility that it had being such a wonderful day for it too? and she did not knew another way better to express it… ??? we wish they could know better..and see all what they put us through which was utterly unfair.. but chances are… the reason for feeling irrational.. was because they also can project that… and i can only think… it thinking “where did the love jumped into rage?” –i have felt also clueless after storms…
hope anger did not caused more damage… it is a feeling i dont like feeling…. cheers! have a wonderful day!
Ohmygosh, that “betrayal and disappointment” fury is spot on. My husband often tells me I am “too hard” on him because I can read this kind of meaning into simple situations that arise at home, and even though I know it may seem irrational (and he’s feeling like I’m simply being b****y, and taking things out on him), my internal reaction may very well be “…why would he DO that / NOT do that? doesn’t he love me / know me / care about me?!” when in reality, he’s just doing his thing, and being his happy-go-lucky self. I am much better at recognizing it than I used to be…but it still happens. And yes, then the SHAME. Strong emotion >>> guilt over strong emotion >>> feeling like you need to “fix” said emotion / apologize for it every time >>> strong anger that you can’t just feel that emotion and be done with it. Yes.
Oh I get hot! But I always walk away then self destruct…unhealthy, but I’m on the end of HSP, with due to a bad childhood, with emotional problems. So I was curious to know too who else gets really mad? That helps a lot…THANKS EVERYBODY! It’s good to know I’m not alone!
I don’t like the feeling of anger. When it happens I am anger because I feel anger. It´s a feeling that doesn´t fit in my body. I want to explode and I feel terribly guilt about that. When I´m anger about someone, I want to get my revenge (I know this doesn´t sound nice and it´s only in my fantasy) because that person cause on me the strong feeling of anger and sometimes I don´t know how can I do with all this fire inside.
Everyday I have some quantity of anger because I have a little son and his tantrum can be fulminants for me. But at the same time I´m trying to learn putting some compassion and goodness when it happens. The results are extraordinary peace-loving.
I keep my anger to myself. Some days it seems harder to keep from losing my temper around others. I manage to wait, when I’m alone I let myself yell– a lot. I would prefer not to get angry because I feel like it doesn’t help the situation 90% of the time. A couple of times I found myself just screaming out in frustration which I feel terrible about because I scare the cat.
I recently just discovered your site and you are touching on all the topics I have been searching for.I experience this kind of anger all the time and while I’m not very proud of it.I have stopped feeling guilty when I’m so mad I feel like I need to spit.I allow myself to have his emotion even if I have to go out of the house to do it.
I have no recently found your site and I think it’s right on point with some of the things I’ve been dealing with. While I think I’m handling my emotions better,I still tend to slip up from time to time but I find that I no longer feel guilty when I “fly off the handle” even if I have to leave the house to do it.
P.s. I have been a pet owner all my life, cats and dogs,so I can certainly relate.
Yes, I express anger, even when I feel like crying. Anger is my go to emotion. I think its because crying was not allowed when I was growing up. I learned to cry and be angry at the same time. I don’t show hurt feelings openly. I get pissed at my pets too. Its called being human. Luckily they live in the moment and all is forgiven quickly. I show anger the same way. Once I express it, its gone. If I don’t, I ruminate over the problem or encounter for days, even though I know its bad for my health. I learned to meditate and that helps.
So many of these comments are like reading a reflection of myself. Reading into small things. Freaking out. Becoming anger itself. Feeling incredibly guilty. Crying because I feel like an irrational, crazy person. Unbelievably exhausting. Besides ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’, do you know of any collateral that is helpful in walking you through these types of emotions? Or at least helpful in terms of helping you recognize the signs. Any help is appreciated .
Hi Rosie, thanks for your comment. I would recommend seeing a therapist to talk though some of these feelings. I can relate with some of the things you said. I am reading this great book right now that I’ve been recommending to everyone–it’s called “The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking” http://amzn.to/1mEzonJ
It talks about meditation, buddhism, and stoic philosophy in ways that are easy to understand and accept, even for cynical people like me. 🙂 And I hate to sound like everyone else….but I have started trying to meditate and I like it. I use an app called Calm.
I feel the exact same way when one of my dogs (who are still adolescent puppies) completely regresses. I was very patient when I got the first puppy. He was 3 months old when I got the 2nd puppy, a god awful nightmare started about 2 weeks after he arrived. He barked and howled all night me would not stop sh*tting in his crate. Then the other one started doing the same exact thing. One day my husband told me to let them howl. I did. He wakes up, comes into our room (he sleeps in his office bc he snores) and tears me a new butthole because I let the dogs wake him. From that night on, I was not nice to my puppies. I stopped take them everywhere with me, stopped playing with them, lost touch with everything but being a source of food and a janitor. I felt these dogs were ruining my marriage, they were abnormal and mean and trying to break me down. It was so ridiculous. I hadn’t gotten any sleep but I had raised 3 babies why couldn’t I do this? I felt inadequate in everything I did and I started to hate them. I had officially lost my mind. Somehow I figured out a way to sleep and to share the responsibility. I discovered that I had two really really smart dogs that I could teach tricks in minutes. To put it in perspective, I’ve taught both of them to shake my hand when I say “nice to meet you.” I almost missed out on some really great little companions because I’m so unbearably sensitive.
Hi MGP, I’m sorry to hear about the painful time you had raising your dogs, but they are lucky to have an owner who has figured them out and can now meet their intellectual stimulation needs!! 🙂
Hey,
I have been dating the love of my life for the last 3 years and till today, when i came across this page. She recently came and told me that she is a HSP and it was something that i did not understand right away. Your page has gotten through to me really well and while i cannot claim i understand it completely i truly feel that i am beginning to. Reading allot of the comments is like a deja vu of many of my instances. Her anger never madesense to me earlier and it used to affect my mood and my choices in life because all i wanted was to keep her happy and over time i responded back to her anger with frustration and even more anger when i could not take the lashing. Thank you for changing my perspective on things, i see now that she needs more love and protection and to be cared for. If there is any other advise you can give me on how to help her and be a better boyfriend do let me know.
Hi Rahul, what a wonderful comment! Just that you are willing to learn and try new things to help your relationship says so much about you. She is lucky to have you. I would recommend this if you haven’t seen it already: http://highlysensitiveperson.net/episode7/
There are also some good links on that page.
I don’t normally write comments all the time but i’m really desperate right now… also I can really relate to this, like recently today I was in the kitchen cutting cucumbers to eat and my brother walked in asking if i was cooking potatoes and I said no I’m cutting cucumbers then i said I’m busy ( I just wanted to be by myself for a while) and then he just starts impersonating me and he said he was just joking, are you OK? and i just didn’t say anything. so when i finished cutting cucumbers I went upstairs and told myself to calm down, not to have a melt down or anything….It felt really uncontrollable like i had to so i told my brother to give the book that he was borrowing for a while and said it a few times loudly and i could started feel my voice become shaky, slowly it became in tears and feeling confused and guilty afterwards. My parents told me to calm down and got the book back from him and I felt so horrible. These kind of situations have been happening a lot to me in my life and I never really knew what was wrong with me until I found out with some research that i might be highly sensitive. I’m only a teenager whose still in school and finding out about this ‘Highly sensitive’ has opened my eyes. I really feel like i am a hsp ): but i don’t want to be, its frustrating. I’ve always been called shy, moody, quiet, I might be highly sensitive. Can someone please help me??
Hi Tammy, I’m sorry you are struggling with your emotions. It might be helpful to speak to a therapist if you can. Therapy is wonderful and I think pretty much everyone can benefit from it!
I’ve been to school therapists because of a few incidents, problems and there but it never helped that much. They referred me to go to pause (doctors) but i’m scared they wont be anyone to help me i mean i went to doctors before and the gp’s were not familiar with the hsp or what it is so there wasnt anyone that could help from what i experienced. Do you think i should go again? I also dont have a lot of friends but i just hang out with some people and dont really feel that good you know?): things get messed up and idk i just feel like crying everyday ….
Thank you so much for intelligent and articulate description of what happened to you with your dog and how that triggered your anger. Angry people scare me, yet I am learning that I have that same anger in me and when it is triggered (like yours)I can skip right past the identification process to the full blown rage. Yet, what I so enjoyed about what you wrote was that you went underneath the anger and located “betrayal” and that made total sense to me. The dog was just a trigger and I got that you understood that enough to identify what was really going on. I know your post is something like three years old, so may I ask if your anger reactions have changed as a result of being able to look under the anger?
Hi Elaine, thanks for the comment. Your question really made me think. I definitely don’t get as angry at my dog as I did the time I described in this post. But it’s mainly because I remember how terrible I felt afterwards. The memory of yelling at my dog will be with me forever and it instantly makes me cry when I think of it.
Also, now that I’ve had her a while, I’ve become a lot more used to owning a dog. My emotions were a lot newer and more raw back then, I think. 🙂
Thank you, Kelly, for your reply. You made a very interesting point, at least for me, with respect to anger. When you became more comfortable with being a dog owner, you had less emotion (anger being one of them) with the situation. It made me realize that under a lot of anger there may be all kinds of fear.
Good to find this site. I will be returning . I was told time and again I was too sensitive. Anger spells don’t come often but they do come.
Wow. These posts make me feel less alone. I have always been told I was ‘too sensitive’ and to ‘not let things upset me’. I have overwhelming emotions. Anger is the standout example for me – I hate being angry because I lose all control. I feel it in my body and it’s explosive, and then comes the guilt and the shame and the self-hate and recriminations. When I tried to explain to my therapist about my emotions after a major depressive episode that changed my life (for worse and better), she suggested I was avoidant. I’m pretty smart and read the literature and I said this is not me. I’m very expressive. In fact, I’ve always been too expressive. My emotions are overwhelming – that’s the problem. And now I finally have an explanation for it – or at least can understand myself as neuro-atypical and not psychologically ‘wrong’.
I feel better reading this. I can’t tell you how angry I can get. I’ve tried so hard to cure/fix/understand/eliminate it – and am still trying. I get extremely angry in a relationship usually, when I feel abandoned, dismissed, or criticized. Then, the horrible part starts about feeling like the worst person in the world, unloveable, and horrible. Thanks for sharing.
In anger management classes i heard about years ago, they would tell you than anger is choice, that we choose to be angry. If someone says something that hurts your feelings and they apologize, you could choose to let it anger you, or forgive them. Since hearing that, I’ve remastered that technique (ti’s amazing how much I knew naturally as a child)!
However, again I relate that to the culture we live in.