Anticipatory grief is a grief reaction that occurs before an impending loss, typically, the death of someone close to you. Anyone can experience it.
But for HSPs, anticipatory grief can be more than that.
I’ve mentioned before that I have not yet lost anyone very close to me in my lifetime. I know that some day it will happen, and I fear how I will react. I fear the pain I will experience then, because it will be so, so bad.
Now, to a non-HSP, or someone who doesn’t have anticipatory grief, this may sound silly. Why would I waste energy worrying about something I have no control over?
Dr. Elaine Aron says that she’s noticed HSPs “look ahead” in many ways, especially to things they will have to cope with, including loss.
She gives an example of how she started feeling sad about a vacation ending–halfway through that vacation. I experienced the same exact thing a few years ago. Jim and I went away for two weeks, and I felt like I could barely enjoy it because I knew in a few short days, I’d be back at work. I was so annoyed at myself for feeling that way!
And remember when I was thinking about getting a dog? Before I even got one, I was thinking about it dying! (wtf, right!?) Dogs have short lifespans, so I knew I’d be taking on an animal to love and someday dealing with its death. (As I look at my little furball curled up on the floor next to me, there’s a lump in my throat.)
Aron writes this perfect paragraph: “Most of us have thought about how we would manage if we lost someone important in our lives, but I suspect HSPs have given more thought to that–not just the practical side if the person was gone, but the emotional hole that would be left. We work on it, hoping to find a certain sense of resolution or reassurance that we would survive. Maybe we look ahead to it being horribly hard…For others, grief and its outcome often seem to come as almost a complete surprise (unless we bring the subject up).” source
You’ve done it again, Dr. Aron. HIT THAT NAIL ON THE DAMN HEAD.
I’ve imagined for a few moments what would happen if my husband died. (I don’t even like typing those words!) I think he has found me crying more than once after letting my imagination go too far down that path.
Dr. Aron says one way to handle anticipatory grief is by imagining the grief through a glass door (you can do the same thing with aging!). We can see the grief outcome, but we are not living with it yet.
I do this all the time.. I lost my grandmother when I was 8, so I kind of know how awful the pain is, but I just know how much worse it will be next time I lose someone close, because these things only get harder. I’m lucky to have not just my parents looking after me, but also a godmother that is like a mom too. She’s 72 now, and thank God she’s very healthy, but I keep imagining what it’s going to be like when she’s gone and the pain is so unbearable, I get a lump in my throat and I cry for hours. Every so often I start thinking about it and it keeps me up all night, until I start wishing that I just die first, because I won’t know how to live when she (and my parents) are gone. Why do we do this? It drives me insane.
It happens when it comes to vacations too. I went to NYC this summer for 2 weeks, and even before I got there (!!!) I kept thinking how sad it would be to come back. And it kept happening every single day. It really sucks and gets in the way of trying to enjoy the good moments, right?
I need to say again how thankful I am for your blog. So good to know I’m not alone in this. Thanks, Kelly!
This is an important topic, Kelly. Thank you for bringing Dr. Aron’s insights and suggestions to our aid.
It is so crazy you posted this when you did! I was in the middle of our vacation! For me I sometimes get upset right before the trip, that it will all be over before I know it, but I always get upset in the middle, that it is almost over. It can almost ruin the rest of the trip for me. It definitely would if it wasn’t for my husband who can talk me out of it (it works for a while, he always has to do it a few times)
I am always glad to read and see I am not alone.
I can’t even wrap my mind around the grief aspect. I can, thankfully, push that out of my mind.
Thank you, so much, for this post!!!
Any of us who have beloved pets know about this. They are made to give and receive love, but their time with us is so short, and when they leave it breaks our hearts. When my last dog died in my arms I swore not to have another, but grief does fade and eventually we can’t reject those wagging tails and bright eyes and the offer of yet another new love.
I now have inherited a snow white, blue-eyed husky who is the most beautiful dog I’ve ever seen, and has such a magnetic bearing and personality that every time I take him to the dog park two or three people comment on him. I love him terribly, but he was seven years old when we got him and is now 9, so our life together will be brief. This has happened late in life for me but despite the great times we have now I can hardly bear to think of his death. Can hardly even manage to say it or think it. It lurks in the back of my mind like a black cloud. I know that all the good times and enjoyment we share adds up to so much more than the trauma of the final loss, but my mind keeps returning to that terrible event. I am trying to find a way to condition myself so it wont hurt so much when it happens. We should be able to do that, right? I admire people who know how to let go. I just have trouble seeing beauty die.
This is beautiful and sad, and I feel similar with my dog. While reading your post I felt that dread rise inside of me. Right now I am spending 2 weeks away from her (the first time I’ve been away from my dog) and it’s weird that I actually miss her! I am sooo excited to get home and see her… I’m still amazed at the bonds we can have with animals.
You’re in my head again, Kelly! I’ve done this all my life with my parents, but have learned to view it from a distance so I don’t waste precious time with them now worrying about what might happen. (it’s been a vertical learning curve – I do look ahead constantly so it can be tough to remind myself to remain in the present).
But then my kitties arrived a year ago – and my heart constricts with love and fear every time I look at their little furry faces. I have no idea how I will cope when one of them leaves me – just the thought of it makes me cry (welling up at work here) and yet I wouldn’t change having them for the whole world on a plate.
It does amaze me too, the bond we can have with our animals – although I know some people who really don’t get it at all and they are just pets. I consider my kitties small furry people, really…
Our emotions are strange things, aren’t they?!
Hey Carla, thanks for the comment! How do you manage to “view it from a distance?” I, too, look ahead constantly. I could use tips on how to remain in the present.
I 100% get your kitty story. I can’t believe how much I have changed since getting my dog. Not too long ago I was one of those people who thought they were just pets….crazy. It all reminds me to stay open minded because I change my mind about things all the time… who knows what I’ll change it about in the future!?!
This is why meditation is so helpful for those of us who are HSP. It’s a practice to keep our minds in the present moment. We. Need. That. Practice. I lost my Mom unexpectedly to a house fire a few days before Christmas. I see now time spent worrying about loss is absolutely a waste of precious time. There is a time to grieve and a time to enjoy what is in the present moment. The present moment is all we have. For sure this is easier said than done and that’s why we need meditation practice. It’s work. I need to practice being present. Come back again & again to the present moment and use my sensitivities to improve my life rather than struggle against my sensitivities. Thanks for this reminder. I can’t emphasize enough that there is time enough for grieving when the moment comes, and grief anticipation is not grief preparation. It’s a thief of joy & the present moment and must be stopped by using all our sensitivities to our benefit.
i have been trying to get rid of this for years. i thought my father (who passed away two years ago) had instilled it in my from childhood. he would constantly say things like, “i’ll be lucky if i make it to your grade school/middle school/high school graduation.” he was alive and kicking for over a decade after my high school graduation, but always held the idea over my head that he might die at any moment. perhaps he was constantly always struggling with his own anticipatory grief. i’ve always just thought that we were both morbid sorts of depressive heartbroken souls, but once again, your blog has shed a different light on how i’m seeing this particular part of myself.
i generally see my girlfriend for a day or two every week because we live in different cities and she has kids, but i find that this feeling creeps up on me so hard that it can ruin an entire day out of the two i get with her and i find it really hard to snap myself out of feeling sad that it has to end. i will indeed try this tactic this weekend though. thanks for the insight, kelly!!!
That is interesting–that maybe your father was dealing with his own anticipatory grief and kind of passed it on to you! Thanks for the comment and I’m glad this post helped.
Hi, I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I’ve never found someone with a similar experience to my own. I am constantly anticipating my own fathers death and basically waiting in fear for the moment it happens. Since I was about the age of 5 he would say “I probably have 5 more summers left” or, “when I’m 55, if I make it to 55…” Etc. so as a kid I was basically prepared and waiting for it to happen. Lately I have been wondering what this will mean when he actually does pass. Will I be more prepared because I’ve come to terms with a loss already? It is really difficult though as I do spend time upset thinking of “what will come” and it makes me feel pings of guilt for not seeing him all the time. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s great to speak to children that way!! Thanks for sharing your story.
My dad used to say things like that, too. “I hope I make it to your graduation” or “I hope I make it to your wedding”. It just gives the kid anxiety. It’s not a good thing to do. Maybe in his mind, he thought he was helping me prepare for it? I don’t know. 🙂 Thanks for your comment–sounds like we have something in common!
When I was my Dad’s caregiver and I knew he was dying, it weighed so hard on me emotionally I thought I was going to die. Loss obviously is inevitable esp. as you get older ( I’m 56) but you DO get through it. My faith in God got stronger and I had support of Christian neighbors who prayed with me and I also utilized the hospitol’s clergy services and it was helpful. When I was a kid I worried incessantly about losing my beloved Grandma Maudie too but when the time came, ( She lived to be 99!)
she was ready to “go Home to be with the Lord”. Death sucks for us who are left behind to deal with the emptiness but knowing there is a beautiful afterlife, and they are no longer suffering/ in pain makes it a little more bearable. We’ll see them again in Heaven. Take heart, death is not the end of the line, it can be seen as a beautiful new beginning.
Courtney, when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer 2 years ago, I too felt like I wasn’t going to make it. One of the things that hurt so much was knowing how sad HE was about his diagnosis and seeing him cry. I felt like my heart was literally breaking (writing this now I’m in tears again.) He did seem to come to terms with it closer toward the end. He, like your grandmother became “ready to go home.” I was 51 and the time and my dad turned 81 a month before he passed. I lost my mother on March 21st of this year to alzheimers. My husband and I along with some hired sitters helped care for her the last 19 months of her life after her husband (my dad) passed away. I’m still having a very hard time with that. She was such a sweetie and I loved her very much. However I do take comfort in believing, as you do, that we will be reunited in heaven.
It’s amazing the joy and grief pets bring into our lives. One if my dogs just died last week and it’s been one of the hardest things ever. The hole in my heart is huge and I miss her every moment of the day.
As an HSP I’ve noticed I have stronger connections with people, pets, places and even things. So the anticipation of loss and the letting go are more relevant to me than to non-HSPs. A non-HSP might say..well that’s the cycle of life or Get another dog. And I would say But how can I just get another dog when my dog was/is the light of my life?
However when I start to get too much in my head and obsessing about the loss of a pet, I try to remember that they are here and now …and I spend time with them and cherish every moment. After the fact though is a different story, now that it’s actually happened I am overwhelmed with grief and it’s everything I anticipated and worse.
I hope you are well.
Question? Can it also be possible to experiance “anticipatory grief” at the beginning stages of a new relationship? It seems that more likly than not the relationship will eventually end anyway (aparently the average long term relationship lsats for 7 years), and there is a good chance then it will become as if it never happened…strangers again 🙁
Yes. Totally. That’s similar to me getting a new dog and thinking about how she’s going to die someday. 🙁
to Marcus, question: Do you experience “anticipatory grief” at the beginning of your relationships? I’m asking because if you were inquiring based on your personal experiences, I’d like to ask you, “Do you or have you started your relationships with one foot in the door, and the other out?” Any relationship (kinship, love or friendship) will inevitably end if individuals aren’t in it 100%.
I beg to differ to see NEW relationships “through a glass door”, where we only envision the grief outcome as oppose to living it. I think in these situations, the undervalued self dominates any anticipatory grief.
What are your thoughts on this, Kelly? Thank you.
This hits so close to home for me. I lost my dad last year when I was 29, and he was 72. He had many ailments: diabetes, heart issues, and other related to the two, but he was still active, so his sudden death due to cardiac arrest was a shock and somewhat anticipated at the same time.
Since I was a teenager, I worried about my dad’s death because he was significantly older than my mother, and my brothers are much younger than me. It wasn’t until the year before his death that the anticipatory grief became all-consuming: although I sometimes had dreams of my dad dying sporadically for years, I started having them almost every single night the year before his death. I thought about it during the day, too, but I’d quickly repress my feelings, which is probably experienced them in my dreams. I didn’t tell anyone but my husband, who is highly sensitive in a totally different way from me, so, at some level, he understood.
WOW!! This article of anticipatory grief is so insightful! I have recently come off antianxiety meds that my medical doctor prescribed for the last 14 YEARS!! My new doctor finally listened to me about what the therapists have been saying about the HSP. I am trying to cope with all these thoughts and feelings, I have to honest I never shared this one with anybody because I thought it was just crazy. I thought they would put me back on those meds for sure. Thank you for posting this!
Laura-Lee, thanks for your comment! I am happy this resonated with you. You aren’t crazy!! 🙂
This has been quite big burden for me since I was a child, I imagined already then what it would be if my parents would die, and wept in the dark before falling asleep. It has got only worse throught the years, I have now five cats and two dogs and can´t even count the hours I have been crying or worrying over that thought/that moment when I will lose them. escpecially my dearest cat who is kind of my soulmate, my other half, i don´t know how I will survive without it. And thinking of those pets, whatabout we had a son 1,8 years ago. That is so painful to think anything happening to him, every time i read news someone has been killed in a carcrash or murdered or something, everyone of those has been sometime most likely the dearest and important thing to someone. And going to school and me not able to protect him against bullying or feeling bad or or or… it has been in that way quite difficult year and founding out that I am HSP-person, is one way a relief but at this time I feel it is a quite big burden and at least once a day I hope that I didin´t have these greater emotions or 100 thoughts in my head and above all this anticipatory grief that has led to that I´m being afraid of life itself soon…
This website is amazing. I didn’t know there were so many others who understood these things I thought were so weird!
Hi Kelly
I just recently came across your podcast and jumped on here to see more. I am like you a HSP and introvert. I have always been this way and have never met or known anyone like me. The people close to me always think I get too emotional over every little thing,especially when I cry like it was on cue (they think I’m a drama queen). Some think it’s fake and others can’t handle the intensity so I have lost many people along the way, whether it be a relationship or family bonds have weakened.This makes me sad. It makes me feel alone and I get to thinking more deeply about my sensitivity and introvert manner and think what’s wrong with me? I just want to be able to cope like most others with any emotional moments but it seems hard.Also I lost my father recently and I am experiencing the anticipatory grief mentioned above.It hurts to let him go and I think of him everyday. I do have a dog and anticipate the dreaded moment,especially if he’s is ill or quiet. He’s 8yrs old in human years but has anxiety issues so then I worry over all these other things about him on a daily basis.
I’m glad I found your site cause I see some positive things that help me understand myself better.
Anyway thank you for your informative podcast. You have a soothing voice.
Hi Halle! Thank you for your comment and I’m so sorry to hear about your father. I am happy the site is helpful to you because you are definitely not alone!
Do I Ever Do This…. But this Is Not Only Vacations But Anticipating Moves As Well … I Greive More Deeply Anticipating The Move And After The Move ThaN Others…. Leaving FriendS.or Family And Moving AWay Has Been Such A Deep Loss More Deeply Felt Than Non_Sensitively.
I know there are others out there like me but I need help with anticipatory grief while taking care of an aging/dying father. I am responsible for coordinating all medical care coming up (he wants to die at home) and while I can deal with this, the sadness that I feel daily is almost unbearable. I can’t seem to take another attitude or talk myself out of it. Is this as good as it gets? I am miserable and can’t enjoy some of the good things going on in my life. Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
Hi Sandy, it looks like you are in Tampa. I would recommend googling “hospice relief group” or “grief support group”. You may find some people you can meet with who can empathize and help you get through it. What you are doing is very difficult, and you are a great daughter for helping your father. You are not alone!! Please find a grief support group, it can make a big difference in how you feel. I wish you luck–by the way, I’m not a therapist or anything so take my advice just like you would take advice from any friend. 🙂
Thank you, Kelly. I intend to google and try to find the support groups.
OMG OMG OMG!!!!! I had NO idea that others did this! I too get so mad at myself when I can hardly even enjoy my vacation for dread of it ending and having to go back to work. AND, I had huge anxiety and dread of the pain that would go along with my parents passing. I mean back when they were perfectly healthy I would think about it. I have now experienced that 🙁 and yes it has been extremely difficult, but I didn’t need to dread it for years ahead of time. I can’t say how much better it makes me feel to know that I am not alone. Peace and love to you all.
Glad this made you feel better, Donna! 🙂
I always did it (the first time I remember was when 11 years old I understood that my parents would die some day) – and still do. Never wanted to have an animal because of this. Still think it’s also a good thing (like anticipating all kinds of difficult situations to come): when it then really comes up, I am already “over” with some of the inner griefs and can concentrate on coping with the outer and more “technical” aspects.
I lost my grandma and mom and it has been so difficult as wn hsp. I knew when those founding people in my life died it would be a life changer and I couldn’t even think about it because I would just cave in. When each instance happened, I knew how right I had been in dreading life without them. The people who loved us a highly sensitive children are very missed when they leave us a hs adults.
This blog is so insightful in helping me discover this whole new world of people who are just like me! I have been rather isolated in that no one understands how I interpret experiences differently.
Grief is an area that I am different to most people. I mourned the loss of my grandmother about 3 months before she actually died. At her funeral, when everyone else was crying and in their first stages of grief, I was not grieving my grandmother, but the loss everyone else was feeling during the service.
Jesus… This is the reason why I never really wanted to have pets. From an extremely early age… Really, ever since I know about death – I was 3 when my great grandmother died and 4 when I actually understood what it meant – I’ve been counting the years that pets and family members might have left. Even myself.
I remember trying to calm myself when I turned 10 by thinking “If I live to 100, I still have 9/10 of my life ahead”. I remember getting a pet guinea pig at 5 and trying to imagine how I’ll react when she dies…
I never told my family anything about this, I only told my psychologist two years ago. These incidents plus the worst one, when my mother was misdiagnosed with a deadly illness… I’m not comfortable with writing that down.
…Anyway, I can’t, I can’t, I ABSOLUTELY can’t deal with grief! Anticipatory is even worse, knowing someone else KNOWS they’re dying is the most sickening feeling ever. I don’t even care if “I can go on” because THEY can’t!
The worst thing about death is not missing the other person. It’s not knowing if they “are” at all…
And by the way, of course I’m on huge amounts of psych meds. They keep me numb enough to function.
I hope science comes up with a cure for aging soon enough. And cancer. And all the deadly stuff. My fragile soul can’t cope with them.
I currently am struggling with the future loss of my parents. They could be around for another five years or maybe twenty. It doesn’t really matter. I am so tortured by this reality that it is very difficult to enjoy life and to pursue goals. I wake up and immediately feel the ache and terror over the fact that we are mortal. I love dogs and many other animals. I even had my own dog training business. But I know that it is highly unlikely that I will ever gain allow myself to have a dog. I do not want to put myself through the pain of loss.
Kelly, I started to listen to these podcasts recently, sort of stumbled on them. And I love them. I found out that I was highly sensitive about ten years ago. So, this is not new to me. But I really love how you describe specific situations, because I can relate to so many of them. As for this one, I was compelled to write because I think that there is so much more to this topic than just being highly sensitive. I remember when I was a child I used to think how horrible it would be if I lost my dear Granny in death. She was advanced in years and I knew it would happen some day but I just could not accept it as normal. Was this high sensitivity? Or was this normal human thinking? I think it was both. On one hand, I am pretty sure that HSP-s develop stronger feelings about topics like this. On the other hand, dying is something that does not make sense to any one of us – if we are completely honest with ourselves. Dying is illogical, whether we are HSP-s or not. Of course, many of us – and that may include more non-HSP-s than HSP-S – probably do not bother too much about things they view inevitable. But many others, both HSP-s and non-HSP-s, do. Why is it like that? To me, the reason appears to be the way we have been created. We are created to live, not to die. We are created to enjoy life with our loved ones forever, not to lose them. That is the only logical explanation to me why we have to deal with anticipatory grief. Death is not a friend, it is an enemy. As Dr. Elaine Aron also has pointed out in her works, many HSP-s are highly spiritual people. I am definitely one of them. This painful, anticipatory grief that I started to experience already as a child spurred me to look for answers to life’s big questions, such as why do we die, can we see our dead loved ones again, and what does the future hold. Like many others, I found satisfying answers from the Bible. I just want to share a few points because these have made such a difference in my outlook. For example, I have learned that people were created with the prospect of living forever on earth. Many religions teach that the earth was to be just a temporary testing ground for humans. But the Bible teaches that the earth was to be a permanent home for each one of us. And that explains so much, doesn’t it? That explains why it is so hard for us to deal even with the death of an elderly loved one. We may try to convince ourselves that death is “normal”, whereas deep inside we feel that it is not normal at all. Normal things – like a wedding, a birth of a baby, sharing our lives with our loved ones – bring us joy. Clearly, death is not like that. Another thing that I learned, related to this, is that the original purpose for humans to live forever on paradise earth will be fulfilled and that there is going to be resurrection of those sleeping in death, including our loved ones. Learning this made perfect sense to me. If the Creator sets a purpose he should be able to carry it out, right? Knowing these things has given me real hope and it has greatly reduced my anticipatory grief. I know that whatever happens to me or to my loved ones, the loss will only be temporary. We will meet again right here on earth. Of course, death of a loved one is still painful, even if we have a hope of reunion. But it is more bearable. And as for anticipatory grief, a solid, well-grounded hope gives me so many good things to look forward to that these crowd out the negative anticipations that we as HSP-s tend to have. I just wanted to share these feelings. I hope my comments will be helpful to some. Thank you, Kelly, once more for your podcasts, I will keep listening to them with enjoyment.
thank you so much for the kind words! 🙂