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Why can’t I ever be happy with the way things are? Why do little things bother me? Why do I complain so much?
Why can’t I be normal?
These feelings make me angry at myself. Why can’t I just suck it up and deal with small annoyances? Why can’t I just relax and have fun? Why are things so hard for me and easy for everyone else?
This is the episode I warned you about last week–the really negative one where I say the word “hate” like 100 times.
In Episode 11 of the Highly Sensitive Person Podcast, I talk about the dark feelings I sometimes have about being highly sensitive and introverted. And of course, I talk about some positive stuff, too. If you are turned off by negativity, skip this one. But if you sometimes beat yourself up over the way you are, maybe this will give you some comfort to know you aren’t alone.
Related Posts on This Blog:
- I Hate Being Highly Sensitive (the original post)
Podcast music attribution: Bust This Bust That (Professor Kliq) / CC BY-NC-SA 3.0
THANK YOU! Imagine an male working in a tech support job that requires talking on the phone, call after call, all day. Dealing with customers in various states of mind. And simultaneously using a computer to connect to the customers computer, and driving the customers computer for them – and sometimes the customer is upset, their computer is slow, the Internet connection fades in and out of service, and on and on. The bosses are all the stereotypical male macho types. Extraverted. Ready to go to the bar or restaurant after work. They play basketball once a week, and talking about football is as close to sensitivity as they are capable of.
Imagine doing that job for 2 years because it is a safe steady job.
Imagine being miserable and disconnected with “the guys”.
Imagine dreading going to work because it depletes all physical and mental capacities day after day.
Imagine questioning why does everyone else seem to have no problem doing the same job, and appear to be unphased by it.
Imagine thinking something is wrong at the core of your get being because deep down you clearly do not belong.
Imagine you just discovered you are an HSP.
FIRST REACTION: THANK YOU KELLY FOR DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING! thank goodness there is a book called “The Highly Sensitive Person” and another book called “Quiet” that boldly describes the trait I have been living with for 40 years.
SECOND REACTION, MORE POWERFUL: HATE. ANGER. “Why can’t I just be one of the guys?” Why can’t I just conform and be happy and oblivious like the next guy? Why do I have to work so hard to keep up with the extroverts?
Final analysis: it’s agift that has served me well in many situations, and it has caused me pain in many situations. Now that I am aware of my self, acceptance. Time to see if I can get into grad school and become a licensed professional counselor, or maybe even try for a doctorate in psychology.
Is 40 years old too old to start over? It is an overwhelming prospect, but the gift must be used where it can be nourished and encouraged to grow.
I might be stuck on the phone for another year, but I will take this gift and use it for good, to benefit others, and find the best setting to apply this trait. Time for a meaningful life. This sucks. Yet I am excited.
I’m overwhelmed but hopeful.
I hate being an HSP. AND IT IS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD. Both at the same time. A living paradox.
By the way – I love the description of HSP from episode 7 where you write about a guy describing his HSP girlfriend :
Imagine that being highly sensitive is similar to the way you feel when you smell dog poop. Your brain goes: “Ugh, that smells like dog poop!” You’re not thinking, “Hmm, I wonder how I feel about that odor…I think I shall turn my nose up at it.” You’re going “Gross, that shit stinks like only dog poop can!” It’s that same level of instinct–it’s just that with HSPs, the sensitivity levels are turned to a higher dial, through no fault of their own.
I would never tell my coworkers. No way. I’m just going to transition into some sort of counseling – maybe individual therapy or something that does not require sensory overload.
Thanks for being bold, honest, and funny! You changed my life! I do like job security, but I have now discovered that I am in the wrong place. It’s an HSP’s worst nightmare. Time to grow!
Todd, what a wonderful comment; you made my day. It sounds like you have a lot of the same thoughts as I do. I’ve often thought it must be even harder for men to be highly sensitive than women. I’d like to write a post about this at some point–I might reach out to you!
Congrats on realizing that you need to take steps to get out of your job. 40 is not too old to start over. I also used to work in a tech support position where I sometimes had to take control of the users’ computers! I hated it so much. I can imagine how you feel trapped and unhappy. It is very hard to start over but it’s WORTH IT!! At least you have an idea of what you REALLY want to do. That’s so important!
Thanks again for your honest and kind comments. I’m excited for what your future holds. 🙂
Dear Todd,
I really recognized myself in your story. I’m a 26 year old HSP living in The Netherlands. While I was busy with graduating I also worked allmost fulltime at a callcenter with lots and lots of angry customers… Also there was a great difference between the way my coworkers could handle with stress (non-stop calls on busy Mondays, for example) and I: they could still smile and make jokes with others while I was just busy with SURVIVING and counting the minutes ’till my break or ’till the end of the work day.
I was even pregnant which made me even more sensitive. Luckily I knew this job was just for ‘the time being’ and after I would graduate and have my baby I would take the time to think of a career that actually suits me (and my HSP). I was counting the weeks ’till I could say goodbye to this job forever: doing it permanently would feel like being imprisoned. So I totally agree with Kelly: just go for dreams and you’re really never too old!
Hello Todd
I SO get thus, I am exactly the same, FINALLY found out what is wrong, I hate working under pressure & micromanagers should be not allowed to work with hsps, I have got sleeping pills as they calm me down & make me relax, family not very happy BUT if they more supportive I wouldn’t need them, have a gr8 Dr, I am on antidepressants strongest one & dose & antipsychotic Too, they sure Help, but as long as I have me time every evening, read a book a walk whatever works for u, lots of people are negative I avoid as much as Poss,
Hope this helps,
I thought I the only one who was one, good to know there’s others out there Too, however I have 3 gr8 friends I do tell things they support me more than family do
Yes.. I always getting down on myself about why I have to be so sensitive. Having to think about everything I do before I do it. If a friend wants to go somewhere I have to deeply think how I will handle it and mentally prepare at least a week in advance. I hate that.
I hear you, Rachel!!
Great episode. I don’t think you should have to apologize for being “negative” in this episode. If you didn’t talk about the annoying sides of being an HSP, your podcast would seem incomplete (although I do understand why you’d want to give a little disclaimer at the beginning, in case people really don’t like negativity). I for one want to hear all your thoughts, and I agree, it truly sucks sometimes to be an HSP. One thing I hate is being so attuned to other people that overbearing people who tend to interrupt can really run roughshod over me. I can’t hold my ground to save my life because they rattle me so much – even if they are wrong, or have nothing interesting to say! Also my VP is a person who you can tell is clearly not listening to you, even when you’re talking, and she should be, and that rattles me too. I hate feeling weak and tongue-tied with this type of person.
Dear Kelly, Your web site and podcast are incredible! I have been made to feel like a “freak” by my family & friends for years. I can’t tell you how many “rolled eyes” I have seen in my life! You have validated me, and I have even shared your podcast with my husband. He kind of gets it now!! Unbelievable!! I particularly enjoyed your recent podcast on Control. I suffer with OCD. It is mostly related to germs & things that are just plan gross. Airplanes, buffets, potlucks, blankets on hotel beds, or hotels in general. My list is a mile long. I honestly would love to get hypnotized to not be this way. It takes a lot of energy and hand wipes to be me! I hate it. But do it over and over. I think linking this to my need to “control” my enviorment is at the root of it all. I am wondering if all HSP suffer with some OCD/Germ issues? Maybe a good subject for an upcoming podcast? I wait eagerly for Tuesdays to hear your inspiring thoughts. My only complaint is I wish the podcasts were longer. Sometimes, I just play them over, to hear your calm and reassuring voice. Thank you Kelly. You are a light in my world! 🙂
Wow, thank you! It’s so cool that this blog and podcast has helped you!! Woohoo!! I’ve never thought about being hypnotized but I would try it. Oh, and I have to say, I actually don’t have OCD/germ issues–I’m particular about other things, but not really that. I can definitely understand being that way, though. Thanks again for your kind comment and for listening!!
I liked this episode a lot and found it to be uplifting rather than negative. I have a lot of shame feelings around being a HSP. I was not supported in my sensitivity as a child, and grew up feeling I was innately wrong. Your podcast helps me become resilient to that shame by showing me I am not alone, and that I am ok, and that I even have a gift. I like how you talked about all the ways HSPs are special. Thank you.
I’m kinda glad I found this. I have known I am a HSP for some time, but today was a really bad day. I want to do good so bad, it caused a lot of anxiety. It hasn’t been this bad in a while. But I made it through, calmed down enough to start thinking about how I hate being this way :P. I can’t even get out of the house to go to yoga class, although my back desperately needs it. It sucks! And it’s wonderful to hear your voice, wording the same thoughts. It’s even better than reading, more real. I felt better instantly. Knowing that I don’t suck, this is just part of who I am. It’s a great, wonderful part, that has gifted me with a lot of great experiences over my 24 years. But sometimes it just sucks, and it’s so good to have someone relate.
So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Lian, your comment made my day. Thank you. 🙂 I’m so glad I could be of any help or comfort!!
I just found you through the recommendation of a Facebook friend and I jutst want to say thank you. I’m 57 years old and have lived all these years suffering because of my HSP. I say suffering because I feel so alone with my passion for music, art, nature and everything around me. I’m an extrovert HSP, which is very challenging because a vast majority of people are overwhelmed by my honesty, compassion and friendliness. I’ve been involved in the arts all my life and appreciate the simplest forms of creation. I find good in any creative expression. Where others find fault, I find courage.
Thank you, Peter! I’m so glad you found something useful here 🙂
I don’t know if anyone read these but I am a HSP but a pre-existing health condition. Bit of a double whammy. I have no balance in my life. I don’t like the word “Hate” but it’s not fun at all. Sure I know a couple of advantages of it that I like but good golly ! I feel stumped in life with no real direction or stability.
Oh, I didn’t find this to feel too negative. 🙂 It was nice to hear someone else point out the things I was feeling as well and the way you talk is very relaxing. It’s actually funny cause since starting to listen to your podcast and learning more about HSP, I’m reading Elaine Aron’s book too which is how I somehow ended up finding this podcast, things that people got annoyed at me about make wayyy more sense. Like how I quite literally can’t handle working in jobs that involve dealing with too many people. I almost got fired cause I couldn’t handle talking on the phone to customers and talking to customers coming up to the desk, it super stressed me out and no matter the training they gave me and how organized I was, I just couldn’t not be stressed out (so I switched jobs to one that hardly involved people calling me, but I still don’t love working in the office). Or how whenever we are on long car drives, I will usually be the one to ask the radio be turned down, much to every else’s dislike. I am also just plain a big complainer as well, little things that people can usually get over, will stick with me.
It’s good to know that it really isn’t just me; it’s just that most of the people around me aren’t seeing it the same way as I am. Cause I really was starting to feel alone.
PS, writing comments (or emails) like this takes me foreverrr to do. I overthink everything.