Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSSThis episode 38 is about handling criticism. I talk about three little tactics I use to help deal with negative feedback in my life.
(Last week I talked about self-criticism, how HSPs often criticize themselves in order to avoid the trauma of criticism from others.)
Podcast music attribution: Bust This Bust That (Professor Kliq) / CC BY-NC-SA 3.0
Just listening to your podcast. I recognized the wisdom in your point of view.
Your motto: ‘Acknowledge. Accept. Adjust.’ is similar to the guidance given by my zen/chan teacher, the late Master Sheng Yan.
He said: ‘Face it, Accept it, Deal with it, then LET GO’
Looks like your guidance is ‘zen master approved’.
Thank you for the podcast.
Haha! Thanks, Nigel. I like that 🙂
This podcast was very timely for me. Just yesterday I received some criticism from a friend — very politely and kindly given, and I think correct. He pointed out that I had behaved rudely to a stranger in a public place the day before. I wasn’t intending to be rude; I was overwhelmed with stimuli from a long day and suddenly couldn’t pull myself together to stay calm while three people were talking to me all at once.
So I wish I had not behaved as I did, and I feel really terrible about it! Listening to the podcast and thinking about it is helping me process this, while understanding that it is normal for me to be deeply stung by the criticism and to need time to process it. I’m feeling inspired to think a bit more about how to cope with situations like that in the future. For example, I probably need to explain to my friends that when everyone is talking all at once, I can’t understand any of them and I feel under assault. And maybe I can try to recognize that feeling in the future, and tell myself not to respond, not to talk — to retreat rather than lash out.
As I wrote that last sentence, I realized that one reason I get overwhelmed is that I feel that retreating is not acceptable — that if someone is talking to me, it is rude to not listen and not respond. Wow — there’s a lot to process here.
Anyway, thanks for your podcast in general, and for this great episode in particular.
Karen, I’m so glad it helped you. Thanks for the comment!
Thanks for being out there speaking about high sensitivity! Here are some thoughts from my side, for what it’s worth:
I find that when faced with criticism, constructive or not, I tend to respond to the persons tone of voice, as well as facial expression and body language, long before I even realize what they are saying. Particularly if people raise their voices, I get ‘thrown off’. So the first challenge is: not being judged for not being able to take criticism simply because the ‘shock’ of being addressed in an unexpected manner is so clearly visible on my face. My experience, like yours, is that it just takes a bit of time for the emotional reaction to pass and then I can get to work on the content of the criticism. But the initial emotional reaction can be strong and sometimes off-putting, so I have learnt to say things like: “It’s OK; I’m just reflecting on what you were saying”, “I hadn’t thought about that” or “Yeah ….” just to gain that time and hopefully avoid creating un-necessary bad feelings. Life is already complicated enough 🙂
I have a person in my community who I avoid because I am so… afraid of her, criticism, tone of voice, ‘passion’ I don’t even know what all. She called and told me another friend and her and another leader would like to talk to me about something that was bothering her. I’m already nervous. I called the other leader to see if she could just meet and leave the first lady out. By avoiding her I have created a big conflict. I think it would have been to overwhelming to have her in the room and I was trying to make the situation so I could do OK. But now she is offended because she doesn’t feel that she is that scarry. Says I take everything personally and talks very ‘pasionatly’ to me. So full of anxiety right now. I am always misunderstood by this person. Talk about making life more complicated, being thrown off…
Christine I am the Same, I avoid most coworkers as I have 1 nitpuckers & 2 micromanager’ I practice self care, go out @ lunchtime if I can & walk lots & read & read in bed peace I like to get up @ 5 am & go supermarket shopping early less noise & no kids, find out what works for u
Good points, Kelly. “Grown-ups” are willing to keep growing. Somtimes it stings a little. Nigel’s advice to let go is very important.
Amazing podcast! I usually don’t get critisism, but if I do, this could really help me.
All of my life I was made to believe that I was a coward or weak or fearful or broken or anxious, or panicky, or defective because I was always different from most men. When I saw myself as broken, my only options seemed to approach things with a “I have to fix everything that’s wrong with me” mentality. That took a lot of wasted years from my life.
Since I’ve discovered your podcast, my life has changed at the age of 44.
Seing myself as anxious and fearful, there where never gifts to build upon. After spending time listening to you, I now see that there are many gifts in being Highly sensitive. Almost instantly, all of the false data and false labels that were stuck to me; by myself, others, the world, peeled off and fell to the ground. So many memories and past experiences make sense to me now. I went from a place of shame and guilt to a place of self understanding, self acceptance, self compassion.
I got criticized yesterday and I felt hurt this morning. This episode helped me to see that it’s okay to care less, to let go. I guess I always thought that caring less made me a bad person so I always made it a point to dissect everything people said to me in order to fix it and to never repeat the mistake…exhausting!
I am really, really happy to hear that I AM ALLOWED care less.
Stephane, thank you so much for the lovely comment! 🙂 I’m so glad that caring less helped you–it definitely helps me. We often don’t realize that it is an option. much love! <3