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There is a cultural expectation that women are more emotional and sensitive than men and that men should be tough and stoic. This expectation could clash with the traits of being an HSP, for men.
Today, I talk about how to deal with those challenges as well as the positives of being an HSP and a man.
See the blog post based on this episode!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Ted Zeff’s article about highly sensitive men on Dr. Elaine Aron’s website
- WSJ Article on HSPs (and my response to it)
Podcast music attribution: Bust This Bust That (Professor Kliq) / CC BY-NC-SA 3.0
Hi Kelly,
First things first, thank you very much for making freely available those podcasts.
I had come across, some years ago, Dr Elaine Aron’s book while living in London. It was a revelation to me, for many years I had come to think of myself as a weakling, “une petite nature” as we say in French. Her book showed me that I was not alone in being overwhelmed by the world and people. Being touchy and reluctant to engage with the world has exacted a heavy price on my life (I’m 51) like experiencing chronic bouts of melancholy, restricting the scope of experience and curbing the range of my social relationships. As far as I am concerned, my hypersensitivity is coupled with social anxiety, which at times can be an inhibiting and debilitating. I think there is, too, a connection with being introverted which I am. Hypersensitivity is not all bad, as you know, for it can give you an heightened perception of stimuli such as music which I play. Likewise, I relish pretty pink blooms on trees which elicit a feeling of joy. I also get overwhelmed by beautiful or/and charming women, I chance upon in public places, sometimes I have to look away…
Apologies for these ramblings, and many thanks for caring. Being unemployed at the moment, I am unable to make a donation, sorry.
Best regards / Avec mes meilleurs sentiments,
Chris
Thank you, Chris, for you kind comments. I can relate to a lot of what you said. I feel like I’ve been curbing the range of my social relationships lately, too. It is just easier to avoid people than to expend so much energy being social…but at the same time, I crave friendships. Anyway, it sounds like you have had a lot of self-realization, which hopefully has helped you be less tough on yourself. It is good that we can appreciate the positives, like the beautiful flowers. 🙂 Thank you again, and I’m happy you like the podcasts 🙂
Hey Kelly,
(First of all, sorry for my bad english)
I just listened through most of your podcast content and I really love it. Thank you so much for it. It really touched me deeply and it contains some really helpful tips to deal with daily buisness and family.
As a HS man myself I’m really curious about all information on how men deal with high sensitivity in terms of role models and culture’s expectations, especially for us men in the western world (being German, influenced by european and american mentality), where men are supposed to be strong and tough and all that.
When I listened to these two episodes about men, my heart jumped higher, because it is not only a topic that is so rarely discussed in public (maybe a side note about that it’s difficult for men) but also so unpopular (which is probably why it is rare). Women tend to accept her hsp-ness much easier and more proudly then men do. I assume that is because of the mentioned society’s role models. As Ted Zeff (thanks for mentioning him!) said, women are sort of expected to be sensitive and emotional and “weak”, while men still raise in a “stop whining” and “toughen up”-mentality. Sorry for my english again.
I consider myself as a totally clichee HSP. I have huuuge struggle with noise (kitchen, in public, someone eating), I can’t stand bright light (reading a book at the beach?! pffff), I tend to be a liiitle bit hypochondric (noticing a LOT of physical signs from my body, being irritated by my heart beat, etc.), I nearly burst into tears when I see helpless creatures (kids, animals, etc.) being treated unfair or rude… I feel like I actually AM that helpless creature myself; I notice what people need often before themselves, which makes me a perfect host, a good partner, a sensitive dad, but it also is a huuuge problem for me that I kinda have difficulties to see my own(!) needs. Or setting up a situation where my own needs can come up. Also I always prefered having very few deep friends instead of having many superficial contacts (in contrast to my wife, btw). I actually do go to the therapist because I had some psychosomatic health issues last year, probably caused by stress (constant overstimuli) and self ignorance (see role models as a man, having to cut off real needs and natural behaviour). So I really deal with all the clichee issues of an HSP (and living with a non hsp wife+kids), BUT I also live and love the benefits:
I work from home as a self employed animation artist for film and tv (which is great), I am highly creative (drawing, clay, writing, a couple instruments, etc.), doing all sorts of projects while getting payed for doing my art stuff (which is a-w-e-s-o-m-e), I’m clearly the more intellectual kind of guy, compared to my surrounding people. I’m highly interested in all sorts of stuff like astronomy, science in general, psychology, social matters, politics, etc. etc.. Not like “yeah, kinda important stuff”, but really like buying all books on certain topics, having the fire in my chest to really understand and see all aspects and connections, etc.. – which is all scientificly considered a side effect of hsp stimuli processing on neurological layer.
Anyways, what I want to point out is, that I would like to see hsp men stand up and say “YES! I am hsp and I am proud of it!”. I would love to see a cultural change, at least in the way that hsp men see themselves. And I think a big step to take is, getting that whole hsp thing more into the public (generally of course), but especially also in a way that men can more easily identify with. Most hsp sources tend to emphasize and attract graphically and content wise the feminie sides of being hsp.
What I think about is an online blog, similar to yours, first for the german crowds but maybe internationally when I find someone to help me out with my lousy english. Or maybe a podcast or an online magainze…. for Men! For proud, modern HSP Men! So no flowers images, no chilly music, no esoteric side notes, and all that stuff that scares men away (you do NOT!) that might be hsp but still consider themselves as masculine and cool guys. Less robes, more suits! You get my point?
As a very successful, good looking guy (I can say that because this is the web and you don’t know me so it would make no sense to brag), who is able to live his life so that a lot of none-hsp men think “I want to be like him” (despite all challenges as hsp), I would love to see more positive, more masculine, more proud and powerful content on this topic on the web or in books. A lot of that stuff online about hsp men has a bitter taste of using that hsp thing as excuse for buisness failure and social anxiety. Which gets kind of boring and I feel lonely thinking “Where are those other cool hsp guys who are proud to be hsp and show off some hsp superpowers” haha… Your podcast was a refreshing exception on that issue (that’s why I’m writing you!).
Sorry for all that wall of text, so here comes my question:
You seem to deal with a lot of hsp men and have a lot more insights into this topic. Your knowledge on hsp in general is astounding and you obviously are open and aware of this “hsp men” topic – otherwise you wouldn’t have done a two episode podcast on it. Furtheremore as an “enterpreneur”, as someone who picks things up and gets them done, as someone who seems to be successful in what I can see from here, you might understand my point even better.
What are your thoughts on this? Is there a community of hsp which I don’t know of? Would you think there are other men like me? Would there be positive resonance on any sort of content/community on the web about this? What would your interview partners think on this?
Thanks for reading and thank you so much for every kind of feedback.
But biggest thanks for your work for the whole, female AND male hsp community. Really really appreciated. You’re a hero.
First of all, your English is great. Secondly, I loooove your idea of a resource for sensitive men that is not flowery but masculine and proud. LOVE IT. love it love it!! If I was a man I would do it, ha ha! 😉 Actually, when I started this site, I wanted to create an HSP resource that wasn’t as….hm….soft and fuzzy as other sites. I wanted a bit more edge, humor, and self-depreciation. Not sure I’ve accomplished that, because over the past few years I’ve gotten more comfortable with my emotional, sentimental side…but anyway.
Other than Ted Zeff, I’m not really aware of anyone focusing on HSP men. They might exist, but I haven’t run across them. I think you would be able to find a ton of men to interview. In my last newsletter, I talked about a guy I met on a plane recently who I struck up a long conversation with, only to discover he was highly sensitive!! I had no idea that would happen! He was fun to talk to. So many sensitive men have no idea they are sensitive and they’ve tried to squash it, or pretend it doesn’t exist, or feel bad about it.
Thank you SO much for the kind words about the podcast, I’m so glad you enjoy it. Let me know if you move forward with your idea! Stay in touch.