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If I have one thing to do in a day, it weighs on me all day long. Even if it’s something enjoyable.
There will be a kernel of anxiety in my brain all day, until the event happens.
In episode #5, I talk about this odd phenomenon. Having a dentist appointment at 3pm shouldn’t mean I can’t go to a yoga class at 10am! Why do I feel “so busy” when I’m not?
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Podcast music attribution: Bust This Bust That (Professor Kliq) / CC BY-NC-SA 3.0
I do this as well…but I think mine is more a product of my anxiety (although my anxiety may stem from my being an HSP, I’m not sure). If I have made plans with a friend, I usually will get to about 3 hours out and panic that I won’t have the time or energy to go and then I cancel the plans. It’s so frustrating.
I know what you mean! I think HSPers may be prone to anxiety too since we are more sensitive and crave control. Maybe Kelly can do a post on how HSPers can adapt or learn to desensitize themselves to anxiety provoking situations? I know we have built in hsp qualities, but are there ways that we can learn to live with less stress anxiety in everyday situations? I know I get anxious in crowded restaurants or when i have to talk and eat at restaurants. I wasn’t always this way, but somehow maybe the stresses of life built up and provoked my inner anxiety
omg I thought it was just me. that’s why i always try to make appointments as early as possible. Otherwise I wont be able to relax all day.
Hey, just found your podcast; enjoying it. Regarding procrastination: think of all the decisions that go into working on a big or consequential project! The anxiety is intense and as an HSP, one is going to feel that anxiety intensely. I think that procrastination is a way of avoiding all that high-stakes decision-making and anxiety. Add in tendencies of perfectionism and it makes even more sense.
Oh wow, this totally makes sense!!!!! Holy crap, Ben. I might have to amend this post or write a whole new one about this!!!! Thank you.
I procrastinate as well. I also have a tendency to arrive late to things… then I feel guilty, like I could do better. Which I can! So I am trying to allocate myself lots of time before I have plans, to get mentally prepared. I like to *try* relax before I have to go and do something.
I’ve never heard anyone articulate this before; it seems as though almost any appointment ruins the day, though
I can’t say exactly why this is.
Is this form of sensitivity related to “commitment phobia”? I suspect so.
It’s also related to the sensation of
being crowded. I’m guessing that one thing that hsp’s have in common is not liking to be disturbed. It may be that we’re a bit more self-sufficient than others–?
Paradoxically, I’m an excited & animated chatterer who loves her solitude, which seems as necessary
as oxygen.
Appointments, like crowded rooms,
threaten an hsp’s oxygen supply.
Yes – I think it’s related to commitment phobia and being crowded. It all feels suffocating and controlling!
I have never heard this articulated either! I so do all of this! What a relief to know I’m not the only one!
Hello Kathleen
I am the Same, I make my dentist appointment on a saturday so I don’t have the rush before or after work & even if it’s 10 am I leave @ 6 am as if any accidents as in a city I have 4 hours to get there, I sit near the dental place & arrive before my dentist, but @ LEAST I can relax knowing I am there, I am so nervous though & super hyped up & can’t even relax to read a book, even though my dentist is kind & only a checkup, I can relax in there as I like a one on one & know I can look @ the tv then without being interrupted by the phone or other, I have friends but LOVE just got to my fav library, I have my fav walks etc & dvds that I DON’T share with anyone else otherwise I feel sad if they not with me or bad memories of them, I hate being rushed & too much to do in a short time, I am 45 & only ever had 3 BFF in my life that will support me, for me to trust is amazing & if u hurt me ever forget being my friend again, I will forgive, BUT TRUST U WILL BE A NO, that I will carry to my grave, if & only IF U change properly I will trust u 90% but that’s it, I am on antidepressants & sleeping pills & antipsychotics & thank goodness to a gr8 Dr otherwise I wouldn’t be alive
Kathleen – I am very late to this party and I hope you’ll find my reply – I AGREE with you completely about crowded rooms and needed oxygen. My hsp traits have increased substantially as I age. I began committing to smaller and smaller group activities until now, I prefer no more that 3 or 4 people in Amy given space. So much for my outings! Lol
Hi, Kelly. I discovered your blog today and have been listening to your podcasts while tackling the organization (= weeding) of my bedroom. I had to stop to comment on this particular podcast – even though so far I’ve related to just about everything you’ve addressed (hot still air – competes for #1 nemesis). So YES – I like nothing better than a day with no obligations or appointments. I just offered a workshop on HSP at my workplace, and shared how even when plans I am looking forward to get canceled I do a little internal dance. Someone else who identified as HSP felt the same way. Thank goodness this preference is not SO extreme that I NEVER make plans – I am sensation seeking and love to travel, and cherish my friends – who are not always available when I spontaneously decide it would be nice to see them. When I was younger, I would be disappointed if there were no voicemail messages – why wasn’t anyone thinking of me? Now I’m relieved – no obligation to return the call. I do think this is an HSP related trait in that we have “sticky” brains – once something comes to our attention and needs to be “resolved”- be it a problem, a “to-do” item, or a social engagement- it’s always there, like so much dust, getting in the way of a “clean” mind, free to think whatever occurs to our naturally busy brains. Yours in HSP Sisterhood – Laurie
Sticky brains–yes! I like that. Thank you for your comment Laurie! That’s cool that you gave a presentation at your job!!! I’d be interested to hear more about that. 🙂
Hi, Kelly. I’m listening to your podcast from Tokyo, I found it today.
I was unable to wake up and go to my office this morning, because of difficulties in dealing with my agressive boss, his likes&dislikes,internal politics, showing-off things, controlled&competitive environment, etc. I’ve been assigned to M&A dealing division of a famous company for 2 years, which I feel proud of, but, makes me feel miserable often times.
Even though my surrounding wasn’t that tough, as it was at my previous position, it was hard enough just to be in a office with coworkers everyday.
Your podcasts really helps me re-consider my life and career. I was thinking it is unable for me to make a living with my sensitive characteristics, but you gave me hints. I will tell you if I successfully change my way to live.
Thank you very much.
Mari
Mari, thank you so much for the kind words. It makes my day to hear that this content has helped you in any way. Arigatou gozaimasu 🙂
Yes! I experience this all the time, ESPECIALLY at work! But even on weekends, if I have plans with friends in the evening I will obsess over it all day, counting down the amount of time I have until I have to get ready and go somewhere.
I recently stayed with my parents for the holidays, and there was a movie we were going to go and see. I wanted to see it! Each morning, my mom would ask if we were going to the movies later, and if so, what time. And each time, I kept saying “no, let’s do it tomorrow” – I just wanted to know I had the day free to do whatever I wanted. I really didn’t want to have to plan ahead, and have there be a certain time when I would have to get dressed and go somewhere. We did other things, including meals at restaurants, but those didn’t bother me AS much because they were impromptu. It was the scheduling ahead of time that really got to me!
On one of the days I was there, my mom wanted me to go and visit with a friend of hers who I haven’t seen since I was a kid. I didn’t really remember this person. Once we got there, it was fine, and we stayed about an hour chatting, but up until that point I was unreasonably annoyed that my mother was ‘forcing’ me into this. Suddenly there was this thing that I didn’t particularly want to do encroaching on my free time. The lack of control is what really bothered me.
And on the occasions when I decide to flake on plans or cancel, or just not attend a party where I won’t even be missed, I feel really guilty – but I also feel this huge sense of relief at getting back my time-without-obligations.
I really resonate with what you wrote Kelly2.
Esp. about the flake thing, i will feel guilty too, but the relief feeling is stronger than the guilt, cause it feels like i just free’d myself from so much upcoming stress.
What a huge relief to have found this podcast! I was nodding in agreement as if my life depended on it 😉
Just knowing i’m not alone in this makes me feel less crazy and angry at myself.
Thank you so much
Thank you!! 🙂
Great post, I just started listening to your podcasts and this one really hits me as well. I think about my plans all day and don’t get things done. I also mentally get upset when my schedule changes or something comes up and throws my timeline off. Do you have any tips for not focusing on the nights plan or how you still get things accomplished during the day?
Found your podcast today. Wow. Feels good to know I’m not alone. I also have a hard time with appointments. I get so anxious about them I will usually cancel them. And I also procrastinate. I get overwhelmed to the point I have so much on my to do list I end up not doing anything – which then makes me depressed and feeling like a failure.
Looking forward to catching up on all your podcasts. Question: do you think therapy can help us with HSP?
Hi Sara! Thanks for the comment. Well, I’m not a therapist or psychologist so I really have no business making a comment about therapy…buuuuuut….I will give my opinion. Since our sensitivity is hard-wired in our brains, we probably can’t change it. But therapy could, perhaps, help us better *deal* with it. Also, if there are any other issues you are dealing with–like anxiety, shyness, depression, etc, therapy could help.
I feel the same sense of overwhelm and paralyzation with the amount of things on my to-do list. What I have found works best is if I visually limit the amount of things I am looking at on my list. What that means is I generally end up with three lists if I’m doing this in the way that makes me the least stressed. The first list I keep on OneNote so that it is easy to electronically update. This is everything that comes to mind that I have to do at any particular point, now or in the future. My master list. The second list is what I think I’m want or need to get done today. The third list is only one thing, but honestly sometimes two or three when I just can’t control myself and I write it down even though I should just keep it to one, and that is the thing that I am focusing on right now, right this minute, regardless of anything else that has to be done at any point during the day. That helps me take one item to focus on and not feel overwhelmed by the millions of other things that I feel have to get done. When I finish that item, I cross it off, pick another from today’s list, and write it down on that same page showing now completed instead of outstanding tasks. The key, I’ve found, is visually removing the overwhelming list and seeing only the clean page one-item list until I have to look back and choose another item.
Hi Abigail, thanks for sharing your strategy!! I just love crossing things off lists 🙂
I just started listening to your podcasts this afternoon and I am smiling because it is like you have been poking around my head! I never imagined that I would hear someone else talk about these things aloud – to articulate these thoughts so well. I never do in fear of sounding like a whiner, a hypocrite or insensitive to the people around me who I assume are not Highly Sensitive. (By the way, you don’t sound like any of that!) I keep all these things in and it closes me off from discussions about … a lot of things. This topic in particular is one that bothers me to tears. Any small appointment or interruption in day takes so much energy and planning. My chest pounds and by bed time I am spent. (I like to go to bed exhausted so I don’t mull over my days). Thanks. I will keep reading and listening.
Thanks Melissa, I’m so glad you get something out of the show!! 😀
This is so interesting to me! I have ALWAYS had this very same experience. Usually, I just make myself feel guilty for feeling so stressed all day for no apparent reason. It’s nice to know this may just be part of being an HSP.
I’m so glad I found your podcasts!! 🙂
hi Kelly
i couldn’t thank you enough for this podcasts and the rest of them…
every, but literally every single word that you say describes me!
i could never imagine that there is anyone else in the world with my problems.
your blog, and especially your podcasts give me the feeling that i am not alone,and not the only one on this world with these problems.
keep up the work.
thanks loads
sapir from israel
Thank you, Sapir! I am so happy they help you. 🙂 🙂
Wow Kelly, it it so nice to hear somebody else say this!
I am a extravert HSP from the Netherlands, just discovered your podcast and i love it!
I have the same thing troughout all my days and your example is just perfect with even 5 hours before pilates i feel like i won’t have enought time to do anything and it is so frustrating.
Thank you so much for putting yourself out there and making us feel conected 🙂
Love x
I Just found your podcast and listen to a few of the episodes just now. I am very much highly sensitive, introverted an a small business owner. Recently I talked about this having plans stuff with one of my customers that is HSP to. You described it so easily and so well in your pod. Thank you!
I’ve recently started to challenge this part. When I had a 3 hour break at work I went skiing for 1 hour. Because you can manage to do a 1 h thing in 3 h and still have time left just to sit and be stressed that you have to go back to work soon, because your customer is coming soon. (in 2 h) 😉
So when I am challenging this. Lets say, I go for a walk experiencing all the beautiful life in the nature. I set a timer on 2 minutes and just walk, carefree. When the timer goes off, I know when to turn around and go back and have a lot of time to be where I am suppose to ba at a specific time.
One thing at the time. Finding space to enjoy life when I otherwise just sit and wait, and get stressed about having so much to do that I can not do anything.
Thank you for the comment, Lotta!! 🙂
I stumbled on your podcast ‘by accident’ a few hours ago but, wow, am I happy to have crashed into it! I’ve listened to the first umpteen in a row and just had so many moments going ‘I have that too!!!’. HSP was not a new ‘idea’ to me and neither was the thought that I might be one (or maybe that in combination with ADD, but they overlap in many places). This podcast about how one appointment can ‘ruin’ the rest of your day in particular was a ‘feast of recognition’ as we say in Dutch. Thanks for making this podcast. A lot!!! I’m looking forward to the dozens of episodes that I haven’t listened to yet.
Wow, thank you so much! I’m so glad you enjoy the show and find it useful!
Hi Kelly! I agree with you 100%. Having any kind of plan weighs on me all day. Doesn’t matter what the plan is — could be an appointment, dinner with a friend, or getting a haircut. I never feel like I can relax until all is accomplished. Unfortunately this means it is very difficult for me to relax–something I’ve dealt with since I was a child.
Hearing you speak about this issue is somewhat reassuring to me. It’s a battle for me but now at least I realize I’m not alone. 🙂 Thank you!
Hi Kelly! I found out about HSP few weeks ago. It was a big thing for me. It’s not that I was unhappy until I’ve discovered that I’m also HSP but it did changed the way how I see myself now. I kept trying to change some of my “flaws” but without success. Now I know there aren’t my flaws. That’s just perfectly imperfect me! 🙂
Your podcast is great! It would be even better if it’d be just a little bit longer. It helps me to learn about myself! It helps me not to be so hard on myself. Keep them going, please!
About this topic… I absolutely agree with you! 🙂 I’m always fix on that one thing that I have to do and everything else is arrange according to it… or better to say nothing else is done because I wait for that moment. Sometimes I try to challenge myself by setting alarm. It helps me to do at least something and to do it without stress because I know an alarm will ring. But… oh, that but… if I wait for something important I usually have to check several times if I set the alarm correctly. 🙂
Thank you for your podcast! I’m looking forward to hear them all!
Big hug from Croatia! 🙂
Hi Zeljka! Thanks for the lovely comment, I’m so glad you like the show. Later episodes are longer!! 🙂
This is just like me!!
That episode made me laugh… because it so true! It’s me 100%. Staying up at night because I have an early morning meeting or a flight, tossing and turning, watching the clock most of the night to see if I missed it yet. Feeling so busy whenever I have 1+ things planned during the day, until I compare myself to parents of infants (I do that too). Thank you for this episode
So glad you liked it! 🙂
Boy this podcast hit home! I always thought it was just me, why don’t others get all stressed out by this. As I sit here looking at the clock at work, counting the minutes and getting nothing done until my dentist appointment this afternoon. Thank you.
I feel the same way. Anything on my schedule causes a bit of anxiety and dread the whole day. Same thing with any big project that needs to be done by a particular time. It’s not that there’s anything bad with the thing in itself, it’s just that it’s there. One way I deal with it is to add the item to my to-do list and set alarms to remind me. I set an alarm to remind me that it’s coming a decent amount ahead of time so that I can make sure to get ready if I’d forgotten about it. And I put an alarm shortly before it’s time to leave so I can grab my last things and head out. That way, if I know I have an alarm set to remind me in enough time to be ready, then I don’t have to think about it all day, I know I’ve already set myself up to remember and be prepared. My husband affectionately makes fun of me for the amount of alarms I have on my phone, for both tasks and appointments, but I set them to remind myself of things at particular times of day or days of the week that I know otherwise I would forget. My father-in-law hears my phone alarm going off and yells “Time to breathe!” as if I’ll forget if I don’t have an alarm to remind me. I really hate alarms, too, but having the brief anxiety and frustration of whatever demand it holds when it goes off is much better than holding anxiety all day about what’s coming up or what I need to do, take with me, or remember at a particular upcoming point. Once I’ve ensured I can remember to do something at the right time, I can let it out of my brain until that time. It’s just what I have to do to not feel anxious all the time about forgetting or missing something.
I am just discovering the podcast, and I can totally relate to this episode! For as long as I can remember, if I had 3 or more things to do (appointments, etc) in a day I would self-sabotage. I would end up finding a “reason” I couldn’t make it to do one of the “expendable” tasks/appointments. It was my way of releasing some of the pressure because I feel totally overwhelmed by that. Even if I just have one or two things that I HAVE to do, I focus on them constantly leading up to the time of. I just subscribed and downloaded, like, 10 episodes because I see myself in so many of the titles!
I just discovered this podcast and this episode was eye opening! I know I’m an HSP but I never thought about this trait of mine being related to it! One thing is that I process time and space visually so a day where I have no obligations or things scheduled “looks”
and feels a certain way in my mind. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a mental/visual calendar that I use to plot time and life. I access it constantly to remember dates etc. So on days that are all mine there is an expanse to the day and it feels really good. Also I’m crazy possessive about my time and really hate when anything interrupts it, even if it’s an enjoyable activity !! This was my first episode but I’m so happy I found this podcast and can’t wait to hear more ! Thank god there are people who understand this! I always make the comparison with parents too and then think “everyone has their own threshold and they chose to have children just like I chose not to” It does me no good to compare b/c then I just end up feeling badly and like I’m weak ! Thank you for this podcast !
I had no idea so many other people relate to this. I’ve always felt like I was crazy, but I get so much anxiety even making plans with friends I adore and want to see! I obsess about it constantly, and day of I want any reason to bail. I always feel so guilty, like I’m a bad friend, but it’s not intentional. I didn’t know this was a HSP “thing”.
Yes! is all I kept saying while listening to this episode. I didn’t know other people felt this way. Everything you described is what I go through on a daily basis. Everything revolves around scheduled plans, events. I would never describe myself as a procrastinator, but procrastination is the unintended consequence when I’m obsessing over plans and the details of said plans and can’t get anything else done until the event is over and behind me. Then, I can move forward to the next plan and the cycle repeats…
I haven’t read these comments. I just listened to this episode now – just discovered this podcast today.
I have this problem too. In fact, if I have an appointment in a week or so, I feel weighed down by it all week long, feeling like I can’t properly engage with other stuff until the appointment is over.
Thank you so much for articulating this, Kelly. Like Jessica, I never connected it with being an HSP. I have always struggled with being on time – I was actually suspended for excessive tardiness in middle school! But I attributed it to having Seasonal Affective Disorder (seasonal depression, which can make mornings challenging) or more recently, to having mild ADD.
I try to give myself a lot of time, but then it’s too much time, and I think I can do something else while I’m waiting for my appointment time, but then that takes too long, and suddenly I am running for the bus with wet uncombed hair and no breakfast.
One thing that is somewhat helpful is to set a target time for leaving the house that is about 10 minutes earlier than I need to leave. Knowing that I have that buffer in case I don’t make the exact target time reduces the anxiety.
When I had to be at work at a certain time, it worked best when I actually timed how long it took me to do each of the things I need to do in the morning (i.e., shower, dress make/eat breakfast, etc.). My sense of time seems so fluid – having that objective reference really reduced my anxiety, and also helped me keep on track if I was taking longer than I needed to for a particular task, or thinking about doing something that takes more time (cooking a more elaborate breakfast, for example). I wonder whether non-HSPs do that naturally.
It also helped to do some “morning things” – shower, decide on clothes, check bus schedules if necessary, prep breakfast and lunch – the night before.
I am middle-aged, and several years ago, I got to a point where my life wasn’t working for me, and even though I am highly analytical, I just couldn’t understand why. While I was still pondering, Susan Cain’s Quiet came out, and from that I realize I was an introvert and an HSP (both of which were news to me).
A lot of years and bumps in the road later, I evolved a different profession with a very different working lifestyle for myself, which has made me 1000% happier, since a lot of my stress in life was work-related.
I work from home, and mostly connect with clients by phone and email, so I don’t have to be dressed and out the door (and they aren’t looking at me while I work).
About half of my work is not on a scheduled basis – my clients know I am juggling a lot of different requests, and I’ll get to theirs when I have the chance. This leaves me a lot of space to be able to respond to environmental stressors over which I have no control that can completely change the course of my day (chainsaws cutting down a tree on my block, for instance). I think a lot of the anxiety is about things like that.
Also, without ever realizing just why I was doing it, I developed a habit of scheduling what I do have to schedule in the morning whenever possible. Not too early – I allow plenty of time between getting up and the start time of my first appointment. This seems to work pretty well.
Most days I don’t schedule more than one appointment, but if I do, I also make sure to leave a couple of hours between them, which is enough that I don’t worry about running over, and can have lunch, but not enough for me to start some other activity that will make me late for the second one.
I hate waiting around for other people who are late (ironic, right?), so I set up scheduled calls so that I initiate them. That way I can bill from the beginning of the appointment time regardless of whether the other person is on time, which gives me a little extra motivation to start on time. I am often 1-2 minutes late, but rarely later.
I also have some small rituals that I do right before the call (putting the do not disturb sign on my front door, putting on my headset, getting the phone number ready on my phone) that help me demarcate that now it is time for the appointment.
Anyway, thanks a lot for your podcast, and for creating this environment in which HSPs can share our common experiences. I just started listening from the beginning, so I look forward to many more “aha!” moments about things that I never realized were related to sensory processing sensitivity.
Wow! I had no idea that this was an HSP trait. I so completely relate to this!