This is a hard story for me to tell.
I am embarrassed and ashamed of it. It’s the one time in my life that I’ve had an outburst and lost my cool in public.
I was hanging out with my husband and a group of 6+ friends. We were all sitting around a large outdoor table at a restaurant, just chatting and hanging out on a nice day.
The day before, my husband and I had hung out with friends during the day, then gone out to a bar at night with other friends. So it was basically like we’d had 3 social events in a row over the span of two days. Before we got to the restaurant, I had made a comment to him that it was too much for me, and that maybe he should go alone. But I didn’t push it too much because I didn’t have a REAL reason to not go be with our friends. These were people we do things with all the time; what would be my reason for not wanting to see them? That I had “too much social interaction” over the weekend? Most people would not understand that. Plus, I did not want to hold my husband back from having a good time with our friends just because I wanted alone time.
So. We are sitting at the table with our friends, and I’m not saying much. Then my husband asks me something in front of everyone that triggered me. I don’t remember what it was. I think he asked me a question I had already told him the answer to previously.
Again, this is hard for me to admit.
I completely snapped at him, pushed back my chair angrily, and stormed off. Away from the table with all my friends. Like a fucking crazy person.
Even as I’m walking away, the rational side of my brain is going “What the hell did you just do? You look like a crazy person! Where the hell are you going to go now after storming off?” and the other side of my brain is going, “I don’t care what happens right now.”
I walk out of the restaurant and onto the sidewalk, which just happened to be along the ocean. I walked there for quite a while. I thought to myself, “Is this what it feels like to be crazy? I can’t even trust my own mind. Now I know what people who have mental problems feel like. They can’t trust their own thoughts.” This was a scary feeling. I don’t think I even cried. But I hated myself so much at that moment. It was a dark time.
I knew I had to go back to the restaurant at some point. I didn’t have my phone with me, and I’m sure my husband was wondering what was going on. How the heck was I going to go back after my outburst? Part of me didn’t even care. I decided to walk back and act like nothing happened.
So I walked back in and sat down and my husband was gone. He had gone looking for me. My friends said a few words about how they tried to find me, but thankfully, they didn’t say much. They went on to a different topic. I just sat there quietly. My husband came back and we left soon after. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even talk about it, other than apologizing to him. He, being the understanding man he is, said, “I should have known it was too much for you. You said you had too much social interaction this weekend. Next time I will pay better attention.” That was the exact, perfect response, for which I was so grateful.
I also learned that I need to pay better attention to myself. If I’m feeling like I don’t want any more social contact, I have to listen to my instinct, even if it seems really lame. Who knows why I “lost it” that day. It was irrational, for sure. It was scary to feel so out of control. But if I pay more attention to my feelings, then hopefully it won’t happen again.
I’ve done stuff like this a million times! Glad to see someone else isn’t perfect either. 🙂
Hi have done same but got really bad i ruined my sons wedding because i speak as i find, but made everything worse as i don’t see him or grandchildren now, so being a H S P far more difficult than ever now
Thank you for sharing your story, Kelly. I feel at ease after reading your post since I can relate to your experience, thoughts, & emotions. And what a wonderful hubby! Now, that’s a real, understanding MAN. 🙂
Thanks Sue. I still feel embarrassed and ashamed at the whole incident…but I guess I learned something from it. 🙂
Awww, Don’t feel like that anymore.
I’ve been beating myself up internally and you’ve taught a fellow HSP how to be open and honest. Thank you and let’s keep up with our open, honest & positive spirits! 🙂
You’re lucky to have an understanding husband.
I’m late to these comments, but I just found this wonderful post. Kelly, thank-you very much for sharing this story despite your feelings about it. I had a similar incident a few months ago while travelling with friends. They are dear friends of many years, but they drove me insane with their constant talking and debating over every little decision and bickering over driving styles, etc. I spent most of our three days on the road calming myself down and staying out of the discussion, but towards the end I lost my cool when they and two other people were all talking at once to me, and I spoke to one of the outsiders in a way my friend later told me (correctly) was rude. I felt mortified, even though my friend was very kind and forgave me instantly.
The thing is, I have since realized that my two friends had NO IDEA how hard I was finding it to listen to them yammer. It seems to be normal for them, and they are not very sensitive or observant. If I am with someone who is anxious, upset, exhausted, etc., I notice it, and I notice how it affects me. But I am beginning to realize that non-HSPs often don’t take in what I am feeling, unless I tell them in words. Even if I do, they may not really understand, and they may or may not accomodate me, but they don’t have a chance if I just get quieter and quieter, which is what I tend to do.
So I’m thinking I need to get my act together and actually talk to people about how their behavior affects me, instead of toughing it out until I burst. I find this easier to do when the behavior is directed at me, or when there are only two of us, but I find it intimidating to think about telling my married friends that their behavior towards each other puts me on edge. However, I am going to give it a try, so that in the future, if I walk away from it or have another outburst, they are forewarned!
I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, Kelly.
Been there, done that! Years ago before I knew what an HSP was or that I am one, I stood at a bus stop in San Francisco and started screaming like a crazy person. The city energy had become to intense for me. The bus driver pulled up while I was having my episode, opened the bus doors, saw me screaming, closed the doors and drove off. LOL! I don’t blame him. My husband sent me home and he waited for the next bus to go wherever we were supposed go that day. We soon moved out of the city to a quieter one and my emotional overload calmed down.
Inge, thank you for sharing! I can feel the overwhelm just reading your story!! I’m glad you were able to move to a calmer place. 🙂 I used to live near NYC and I loved the city, but don’t think I could have lived in the middle of the hub bub…I would have had a meltdown like yours!! 🙂
I personally think you must be a very serene HSP. I have spun out many times. Lots more than I care to remember. I didn’t discover I was HSP until 2.5 – 3 years ago. Before that, I was always in denial I was different. I didn’t want to be different. This is a great story. It reminds me that I have to pay attention to cues that I am becoming over stimulated. Nurturing myself is a skill I have yet to master. Thank you very much for sharing. <3
Thank you very much for sharing this story. I can understand you so very well (and also the other comments). Instead of storming off, I often get very miserable when things don’t feel right at a social gathering. Everyone can tell from my face that I want to leave so nobody objects when I go (but they will definitely gossip about it, and my boyfriend feels awkward). I am so relieved that I know since a little while that being a HSP is the reason for this.
And well, thinking about it, there has been one incident I can clearly remember from my childhood: It was my 7th birthday, we had a party, and went outside to play games my mom had organized. While everyone had a good time, it was way too much for me, so I ran home after a while. I went straight to bed, and didn’t want to see anyone every again. I am very grateful to my mom that she reacted very sensitively.
I am so glad you wrote this. I too have to limit my social interactions. Another thing that really sets me off is when too many people are talking to me at once. Most people can tune one person or the other out. I try to hear and process what everyone is saying to articulate a response and it is so overwhelming. That is usually when I have my melt downs.
Hi Kelly!
Omg! This is me and my mom (an ACOA). She’s always yapping in the car in a negative way (she’s always been this way-never went to a therapist except once to treat acute trauma related to her alcoholic father). It wears me down, sucks the energy out of me (an HSP)….is there anything not negative you can think of, talk about? That’s one of the hallmarks of trauma related to ACOA’s, constant states of negativity, externalizing. It’s sad. I go grey rock, zone out. I’m too polite, too nice-as HSP are-I refrain from shouting ‘shut up!’. She’s still ‘stuck’ in her childhood, it seems…
P.S. your husband seems so nice! Good on him.