Have you ever watched the show Homeland? The main character, Carrie, portrayed by Claire Danes, struggles with bipolar disorder.
Even though I have never known anyone who is bipolar, I feel like Danes does a great job acting what must be a tough role. I believe her when she is being irrational and acting out on the show. She can’t trust her own thoughts and her own instincts-they are betraying her.
And it’s so weird to think that I understand a tiny bit of what that’s like.
The topic I want to talk about today is a bit dark.
I hate that I’m highly sensitive. I wish I was normal. I wish I wasn’t bothered by so many small things. I wish I could just be happy instead of always wishing things were better.
And these feelings make me angry at myself sometimes. Why do I have to complain so much? Why can’t I just suck it up and deal with small annoyances? Why can’t I just relax and have fun? Why are things so hard for me and easy for everyone else?
That is one big shopping mall
I KNOW I’m not the only person with this problem.
My whole life, I have not been able to shop with other people. Especially when someone is waiting for me. Just the idea of it sounds awful.
There have been times when my husband and I are at the mall, and I need to buy something, and he’s in an unusually generous mood and tells me to “take my time.” Then I’ll get excited and start browsing the racks, but within a couple minutes, I can’t help but feel a weight on me… the weight of someone who is waiting for me.
Even though my husband told me it was ok, and to take my time shopping, I just feel bad making someone wait. Usually, I look around for just a couple minutes, and then say, “screw it.” and leave the store. I can’t do it.
Then, I’ll meet back up with my husband and I grouch, “I can’t shop when you are waiting for me!”
He says, “But I told you to take your time! You can’t blame this on me!”
Me: “I know. I can’t help it. I just can’t shop when someone is waiting for me. It’s not your fault.”
How is this an HSP thing? HSPs take longer than most to make decisions. We weigh every possible piece of information. So making a purchase can take me a long time because I have to think about everything. And having even the smallest feeling of having to rush the decision just wrecks it all for me. I can’t do it if I feel one bit rushed.
Anyone else hate shopping when someone is waiting for you?