Mental Self-Flagellation: When I Screw Up, No One is Madder than Me

I do freelance work. The person I work for assigns me tasks from her own clients. The other day, I completed a project for her and submitted an online proposal for one of her clients. About five minutes later, I realized I had made a huge, huge mistake. I submitted the proposal for the wrong client.

Upon realization, my heart and head went into a panic.

I hold myself and my work to a high standard, especially when I am doing work for someone else. Making a mistake is simply not acceptable. If I had made a mistake on something I’d done for myself, it wouldn’t be so bad. But this mistake could make her look incompetent to her clients-people who pay her and support her livelihood!

Years ago, if this had happened, I would have spent the rest of the night in a haze of self-hatred. How could I be so stupid? I don’t deserve to work for her any more-I should quit. How could I make such a huge mistake? I shouldn’t be allowed to do things for anyone. Hate hate hate. Stupid stupid stupid.

Then I’d think about it all day. And the next day. I’d recall it months later and feel a tinge of hate toward myself all over again.

But I’ve created a coping mechanism the past few years. When something like this happens, I don’t let myself cave in to the self-flagellation that my brain so desperately wants to engage. I just can’t afford it (mentally) any more. I can’t afford to let myself fall into-and roll around-in that pit of hate towards myself. It takes too long to climb out. And it’s exhausting.

Instead, I just push those feelings away. I know they are there. But I won’t let them sink in. Even though I am so mad at myself, I pretend like it’s not as bad as it is.

Maybe part of this is just growing up a bit. The realization that getting mad at myself accomplishes nothing, so why do it?

So you want to know the outcome of my screw-up? Check this out. It turns out I didn’t make the error I thought I made after all. Everything was ok. I think my boss thinks I’m crazy, but at least that’s better than having actually made the big mistake. Phew!