Robin Williams, Suicide, and Depression

August 11, 2014 by 7 Comments

I was shocked and saddened when I heard that Robin Williams ended his life, as I’m sure we all were.

I wasn’t an especially huge fan of his, but I liked the guy. He’s been around my entire life. I remember watching Mork and Mindy as a kid.

To hear that someone ended their life makes me hurt. Because I think-imagine how incredibly bad someone must be hurting to take such a drastic step. The raw, sharp, suffocating pain that must cloud their every moment, to where they feel like they can’t go on another second, that the only escape is to end their life. To end the pain. To be done with this. [Read more…]

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Emotional cutting: reading things that make me sad

July 30, 2014 by 16 Comments

emotional cuttingA couple months ago, I fostered a dog and ended up adopting her. It was my first experience ever caring for a pet. It was like a whole new world for me, and I found myself reading tons of online articles about dogs and watching YouTube videos on training, grooming, health….and dog rescues.

I began following a number of local dog rescues on Facebook and enjoyed hearing about animals that were found, fostered, and adopted. It makes your heart feel full to see a neglected animal in the arms of their new family, healthy and cared for.

Then I discovered a page made specifically to help dogs at a high-kill shelter.

On this page, there are pleas for individual dogs where people can pledge money in hopes that a rescue organization will get the dog out of the shelter. It’s uplifting when someone posts “Rescued!” or “Adopted!” on that particular dog’s comments.

But then, sometimes, it says “RIP”. It means the dog wasn’t saved in time. It was euthanized.

It is so hard to look at a photo of a dog and know it is dead. It makes my heart hurt.

Jim says to me, “Why are you looking at this page? You just know it’s going to make you sad.” And of course, he’s right.

And I don’t really get it either. WHY do I do it? I plan on fostering another dog soon, and I love to see when dogs are saved, but why do I continue to go back to this page when I know it will make me sad because more have been killed?

Then, a few days ago….was the first one that made me cry. It was a tiny, terrified chihuahua in a cage. Normally, I’m not a big fan of chihuahuas, but the way he was imploring the camera, crouching in fear, his big black eyes so full of the desire for someone to care for him made me burst out crying and my heart ache…Because he was killed. I saved that photo of him in his cage here, if you want to see. But don’t click if you think it will make you too sad, since he is now gone.

I just keep looking at this picture. Over and over. Looking into his eyes….like I can feel his fear. . . . .

I get angry about these high kill shelters and have fleeting, passionate thoughts about starting a rescue organization or volunteering at one, or finding a way to foster many more dogs, but none of those things are practical. I do think, “someday I am going to make a difference. I have to do something about this.”

Why do I keep visiting this page? Do I want to feel the hurt?

An anonymous commenter on this blog left some great insight that helped me understand why I do this.

Looking at photos of dogs on the dog rescue Facebook pages confirms to myself that it is an important issue to me-and the pain functions as the sign that it is important.

Regarding the chihuahua-I didn’t want his life to be invisible. I didn’t want him to die without anybody caring about his life and death. His sadness and pain didn’t disappear when he died; I felt it for him.

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World Cup: I have so much empathy for sport disappointments

June 30, 2014 by 3 Comments

I watched the Brazil v. Chile game yesterday, which ended in penalty kicks. It was down to one guy-if he MISSED the goal, Chile lost and was out of the tournament.

If you start watching at 7:00, you can see it here.

Watching this made me so sad for the guy that I had tears in my eyes. It instantly makes my heart hurt a little.

It starts with the fact that he gives the ref a quick smile when he is handed the ball. Of course I’m reading into things (I am an HSP after all) but it seems like a nervous, sincere smile that’s either saying “Yikes, here we go!” or “I can’t believe this is happening!” Either way, that smile was super endearing to me. I instantly liked the guy.

Then he kicks and the ball hits the post and misses. It’s over.

The next shot of his face…oh. It hits me in the heart. He looks stunned. Like he can’t believe what just happened.

I don’t know how these players handle so much pressure. They train their entire lives and this is the biggest tournament. Then it comes down to one moment, and his kick lost it all for his team and his country.

If I was him, of course I’d be mad at myself. I think I’d think about that kick every damn day. “How could I miss??” Analyzing everything I could have done differently.

While watching this on TV, and seeing the Brazilian team and thousands of fans rejoicing, I just felt so, so sorry for this guy. It doesn’t seem fair that a loss comes down to one individual person in a team sport. (He wasn’t the only guy who missed-but it feels like it’s his fault since he was last.)

I’ve always been very moved by emotional sports moments. If I watch highlights of a tournament-even in a sport I don’t follow-my eyes often fill with tears. I grew up in Michigan and was a huge Detroit Red Wings fan in my late teens. There were a few years where I watched every game and knew everything about the players. At the time, the star player was the captain, Steve Yzerman. Everyone loved him. Years later, his retirement ceremony was on TV, where they retired his number-I bawled my eyes out! Like a baby! Sobbing while I watched his former teammates talk about what a wonderful leader he was. Why was I so emotional?

When the Japanese team won the last women’s World Cup in 2011, only a few months after the devastating tsunami, how could you not be moved?…Even if you’re not into soccer?

Something about sports really touches me. I think it’s the pure passion and effort that athletes put into their performance. The fact that people are working together, earnestly toward a shared goal. They are trying so hard. That want it SO bad. Their emotions are so sincere-the pain of loss and the elation of winning.

How can you not feel their pain?

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Feeling the Physical Pain of Others

December 8, 2013 by 2 Comments

Today, my husband Jim was in a motorbike accident.

I think that if you ride a scooter long enough in Thailand, you will get in an accident.

I was working in a cafe when Jim showed up and sat at my table. I was wasn’t expecting him, since he was out getting info on train tickets.

He says, “I need your help.” Immediately I sense something is wrong, although I can tell he is trying to be very calm so I don’t freak out. “I need you to help me clean up a little scrape on my leg.” It was then I noticed his shirt looked dusty and he had some dirt on his arm. I instantly knew he had an accident with the scooter.

We went home, he showered, and we assessed his bodily damage. Big wounds on his knees and several scrapes all over his body-shoulder, his side, and elbow, and the back of his knee is going to be black and blue.

Apparently, a truck pulled out right in front of him as he was driving. He hit the brakes, but of course, fell over and off the bike. The guy behind him, who was also on a motorbike, ran into Jim-which caused the most injury. He said the other guy kind of “flew off” the bike.

So now he is hobbling around the apartment in a lot of pain.

Now that I know I’m an HSP, it is interesting for me to look back and assess the emotions I experienced when dealing with his injury today. As soon as he indicated he was injured, my heart started to beat faster and I wanted to jump into action in whatever way I could to help him. Did he need to go to the hospital? Can we clean the wound? Do we have the right first-aid materials? What can I do to help and make the situation better?

When we got home and were looking at his injuries, my entire body was enveloped in a pain of its own. Seeing wounds on the skin of the person I love the most in the world made me hurt. My body felt like it was in a state of emergency. When I think about it now, I can’t really put it into words. I don’t know why I felt that way. Because I care about him so much, I want him to be happy and not in pain. But it’s deeper than that. Physiological.

I want to be clear-I didn’t look at his knee then feel pain in my knee. It’s not like that. I just felt a bad feeling all throughout my body. It reminded me a bit of the jolt that goes through my body when I see homeless people.

I remember many years ago, Jim and I were chasing each other around our apartment. With the way it was laid out, you could run in a circle around the kitchen and through the living room, so sometimes we would chase each other in circles. I know-silly. Once, he slipped on a rug or something and went crashing into the floor and the wall. I instantly started crying. Why? It surprised us both. I think it was because I was somehow involved in him spectacularly wiping out. I felt so, so bad, even though he was fine. Isn’t that strange?

Do you react strongly to other people’s injuries?

Related posts - Empathy: Feeling the emotional pain of others

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