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Mental Self-Flagellation: When I Screw Up, No One is Madder than Me
February 27, 2014 by 1 Comment
I do freelance work. The person I work for assigns me tasks from her own clients. The other day, I completed a project for her and submitted an online proposal for one of her clients. About five minutes later, I realized I had made a huge, huge mistake. I submitted the proposal for the wrong client.
Upon realization, my heart and head went into a panic.
I hold myself and my work to a high standard, especially when I am doing work for someone else. Making a mistake is simply not acceptable. If I had made a mistake on something I’d done for myself, it wouldn’t be so bad. But this mistake could make her look incompetent to her clients-people who pay her and support her livelihood!
Years ago, if this had happened, I would have spent the rest of the night in a haze of self-hatred. How could I be so stupid? I don’t deserve to work for her any more-I should quit. How could I make such a huge mistake? I shouldn’t be allowed to do things for anyone. Hate hate hate. Stupid stupid stupid.
Then I’d think about it all day. And the next day. I’d recall it months later and feel a tinge of hate toward myself all over again.
But I’ve created a coping mechanism the past few years. When something like this happens, I don’t let myself cave in to the self-flagellation that my brain so desperately wants to engage. I just can’t afford it (mentally) any more. I can’t afford to let myself fall into-and roll around-in that pit of hate towards myself. It takes too long to climb out. And it’s exhausting.
Instead, I just push those feelings away. I know they are there. But I won’t let them sink in. Even though I am so mad at myself, I pretend like it’s not as bad as it is.
Maybe part of this is just growing up a bit. The realization that getting mad at myself accomplishes nothing, so why do it?
So you want to know the outcome of my screw-up? Check this out. It turns out I didn’t make the error I thought I made after all. Everything was ok. I think my boss thinks I’m crazy, but at least that’s better than having actually made the big mistake. Phew!
All the Battles I Fought When I Worked in a Cubicle
February 23, 2014 by 12 Comments
Bright lights. Constant chatter. Disruptions. Deadlines. Pressure. An uncomfortable chair. A desk that is too high. Awkward social situations. Odors. Lack of privacy, quiet, and control.
That’s office life.
As an HSP, I’m highly tuned in to my environment and lots of little things become big things since I can’t stop obsessing over them. Here’s a list of some of the issues that made me swear off working in an office.
My Battle With Uncomfortable Chairs
Gifts for Introverts and HSPs (Highly Sensitive People)
December 13, 2013 by 4 Comments
See the updated 2015-16 gift guide here!
Are you struggling to find a gift for an introverted, highly sensitive friend, spouse, co-worker, or family member? Then this list is for you. Featured here are practical presents for those of us who are overwhelmed by social and environment stimuli, sensitive to temperature, uncomfortable in the workplace, and who cherish solitude and peace. Presenting: the Highly Sensitive Person & Introvert Gift Guide!
The right to silence trumps the right to noise
December 10, 2013 by 7 Comments
I remember the time when I heard someone playing music in their cubicle. It was several cubes away, but I could still faintly hear it.
I worked in a cube farm, as it is so affectionately called. Dozens and dozens of cubicles all next to each other in a giant room.
I remember sitting there, straight up, with a look of super annoyance on my face as I thought about what to do. I was a writer, and I needed silence to write. I could deal with the typical ambient noise of the office, but something like music distracts me. Because this person decided they needed to hear some tunes, now I couldn’t work.
Listening to music in a cubicle-when you are surrounded by dozens of other people in cubicles-is inconsiderate and selfish. You have just made the decision for everyone that they will now listen to your music as well, whether they want to or not. To me, that is the utter height of rudeness. Plus—why couldn’t she use headphones?
I sat there in my cube, getting more and more annoyed about how inconsiderate this person was. I was getting worked up. I debated with myself of what to do. “Just ignore it,” I told myself. But I couldn’t.
Finally, I stormed over and found the offender. I told her, nicely, that I was sorry but could she turn her music off because I couldn’t work? She turned it off. I’m sure the second I walked away, she IMed all her co-workers, “OMG some crazy chick just came over and told me to turn my music off, wtf?!” I couldn’t care less.
Some people like to listen to music when they work, or have the TV on in the background, or go to a café where there is ambient noise. Then there are people like me that prefer complete silence with no distractions.
Both of these preferences are okay. But we all have to live and work together in this world. This is how I see it: My right to silence trumps your right to noise. Why? Because my silence won’t bother you and distract you from your work. You can wear headphones to listen to music if you need to, just don’t pollute my air with your soundwaves. Your need for noise will bother me and distract me; my silence won’t bother you.
So, in my mind, the right to silence always wins.
When you can’t avoid noise at work, pop in your headphones and listen to white noise. Or, if you like ambient noise of a coffee shop, try Coffitivity.
The Importance of Caring Less at Your Office Job
November 22, 2013 by 24 Comments
An updated version of this post is published at QuietRev.com.
Years ago, when I moved from my small hometown in Michigan to New York, I took administrative temp work to get my “foot in the door” and get a full-time job.
One of my temp assignments left me especially miserable. The person managing me would hurl insults at another employee. The job-stuffing envelopes-was brain-meltingly boring. And of course, as an HSP, all this affected me greatly.
I got home and (surprise!) complained about it to my husband.
I remember that he said, matter-of-factly, “Call your temp agency and quit the assignment. It’s not worth you being miserable.”
My first reaction was, “I can’t do that!” I committed to the assignment. They were counting on me! I don’t quit things.
Then he asked me: What’s more important? My mental health or finishing a temp job for some company that couldn’t care less about me?
He was right. There was no reason for me to care so much about this job. So what if my quitting inconveniences the company or the temp agency? Who cares?
When I was a kid, my dad used to jokingly say, “You gotta look out for Number One”.
“Number One” is yourself. Ultimately, your workplace doesn’t really care about you. You are replaceable. You have to look out for your HSP-self first and stop worrying about everyone and everything else.
A few months ago, a friend was struggling at work. She was overwhelmed by too many responsibilities and was ready to quit. I posed the question to her: “What would happen if you didn’t get all your work done on time? What if you couldn’t finish all the tasks?” And her response was something like, “I guess it wouldn’t be the end of the world…” But I could tell that she wouldn’t even consider letting some things slip through the cracks. She was a hard worker who cared about her performance.
She was either going to do a great job, or no job at all.
I told her, “You are ready to quit your job. What will it hurt to try caring less first? If you can care less, then you won’t feel so stressed about not getting everything done. Just do the best you can. That’s all you can do.”
Look. I know you care deeply about details, my HSP friend, but please remember that worrying and stressing about your job isn’t productive. You probably care more about your job than many people do; you are loyal, committed, and hard-working. But when you stress because you feel like you aren’t doing good work, or that you are behind on a project, ask yourself, “Who cares?” Hopefully this will help you put it all into perspective and take a little stress off your shoulders.
Like this post? Listen to Episode 6 of the Highly Sensitive Person Podcast about the same topic.
Don’t Stand Over Me While I’m Working
November 3, 2013 by 9 Comments
HSPs generally perform poorly when being watched, and yeah, I can totally confirm this.
One of my old bosses would sometimes stand right over me and watch me while I did things on the computer. It was so insufferable that I called him out on it. I probably said something sarcastic like, “Are you really going to stand on top of me while I do this?” Or, “I can’t do this if you are going to stand there and watch me.” Fortunately, we had a pretty relaxed relationship so this didn’t offend him. I think he found it amusing that it bothered me.
When someone like a manager or boss is watching me do something, I completely freeze up. I cannot perform. And how can I explain this, when it happens? I appear incompetent when I freeze up like that. I look like I can’t do the work, just because I’m nervous about being stared at.
At another job, I worked in one room with two other people. It was an office meant for one person, but they stuffed three of us in there. We all had our own desks. One day, we had to all move to a different office, so the 3 of us had to figure out where to put our individual desks within that room. The other 2 people wanted to face the window, whereas my only suggestion was that I didn’t want my desk facing a direction where someone else would be facing me all day. That would have made me go nuts.
My officemates were, understandably, happy that they got the window view without argument, and I got to face the wall like a crazy person.
A few months later, I expressed to my boss that I would rather work in a cubicle. No one could believe that I would give up being in an office (AHEM, shared with 2 other people!) to have my own private cube. In a cube, I felt that I would at least have the privacy of knowing no one was looking at me. Just that tiny little bit of privacy seemed so appealing. I felt like I could make it through the day more easily and be less distracted that way. And you know what? They were nice enough to move me to a cubicle!
So, my point-if there is one-is that if you are unhappy in your work environment, you should 1) speak up about what you want to HR. There are rules and laws and stuff that mean they usually have to listen to you, and 2) you are going to have to grow a tougher skin because your co-workers and managers might not “get” why you need what you need.
But if you are able to finagle a better working environment for yourself, that’s all that matters in the long run. The embarrassment of having to ask for it will wear off.
My Goal is to Take Down Bright Lights in the Workplace
October 31, 2013 by 7 Comments
In all three of my previous office jobs, I had to be moved to a different spot in the office because I was bothered by the bright, fluorescent office lights.
(In all three instances, this put me in a location in the building far away from the rest of my department. Sometimes this was a good thing.)
Prior to being moved, there were times I wore a hat while sitting in my cubicle. Or sunglasses. And good lord, one time I even taped a piece of paper to the top of my head so it would stick out in front of me (like the bill of a hat) and block the light. (That only lasted about 5 minutes. Too embarrassing, even for me.) [Read more…]
I love listening to white noise
October 30, 2013 by 5 Comments
A few years ago, I discovered the site Simply Noise. With just a few clicks, it plays white noise and even pink or brown noise on your computer (there’s an app, too).
This website saved me many times when I was in a noisy office, or when people in the cubicles next to me were chatting and I couldn’t concentrate to save my life.
Just the other day, I was working a cafe, and the guy next to me was sniffing and snorting with a runny nose. I don’t know why he didn’t just blow his nose, but I felt like I could hear his copious snot rattling around every 10 seconds. Disgusting. A brief dirty look didn’t help, and then I remembered Simply Noise. Thank goodness!!!! I turned the volume up to the max.
If you have trouble focusing, check it out! They also have a site called Simply Rain.
